something good

When I was little, maybe like five or six, I remember grabbing my Bible, going into my parents’ bedroom, and asking my mom or my dad, whoever I could find, if we could have a Bible study. I remember being so excited to learn more about Jesus. I was crazy about Him.

I lost that crazy-for-Him fire for a few of my teenage years, but starting my sophomore year of college, I learned what it really meant to pursue and live in a daily relationship with Him. No matter what. Since then, I’ve been constantly growing, maturing, and learning new things.

There have only been three times in my 22 years, however, that The Lord has spoken to me as clearly as if He had actually spoken out loud. If you know me, then you know “words are hard” and they certainly fail me here. But the innermost core of my spirit just recognizes His voice in those beautiful moments. And just a few days ago, His voice rang loud and clear in my spirit.

Do you believe I have something good for you?

It's like that story in John 5 when Jesus asks the paralyzed man if he wants to get well. The answer seems obvious.

Well, yes, duh, of course, I do, Lord.

But then He asked me again.

Do you believe I have something good for you?

Well if He’s asking me again I figured my first answer was probably wrong. So I thought about it and prayed about it.

I know you do, Lord. I know you have good things for me. But I don't know. At this moment in time, no... I don't think I believe that. I feel anxious and fearful and a little angry, and it doesn’t feel like you have good things at all.

One thing that my dad has hammered into my head is that our feelings and emotions stem from our thoughts. If I’m thinking negative thoughts then my emotions are going to follow suit. But if I can just stop... If I can go back to the source...  Recognize that anxiety and fear are not of the Holy Spirit, reject whatever lies I’m believing that are causing me to feel that way, even if they feel true, and replace them with Truth, then eventually my feelings and emotions will catch up. But I have to choose to believe it. I have to take active steps to believe Truth even when my circumstances and emotions say otherwise.

So then, yes. I do believe You have something good for me. Because You say You do in Romans 8:28, Jeremiah 29:11, Isaiah 58:11, Jeremiah 1:5, Isaiah 43:18-19… All over scripture You promise good things for me. And that is Truth. Even when it doesn’t feel true.

you can choose both

First of all… This post took me a whole week to write. Which is very uncharacteristic of me. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I spent many late nights/early mornings in college (which, yes, I can now say, “When I was in college…” because I’m OLD and GRADUATED…) writing one draft, unedited papers because I waited until the night before they were due to start them. But this is way more important than any college paper. I’ve found that writing and blogging help me process whatever Jesus and I are wrestling with at the moment. Writing, as if to explain to other people, what I’m learning gives me an opportunity to organize my thoughts. It gives me clarity and forces me to really understand what The Lord is teaching me. So, confession, this blog is kind of selfish. I think I’ve had such a hard time with this particular post because I’ve been struggling with this particular thing for almost exactly 13 months. (It will be 13 months tomorrow.) It wasn’t until a few weeks ago, however, that I was able to articulate it. Attempting to put into eloquent words what I’m just now beginning to deal with has proven to be quite a challenge, so bear with me.

If you had asked me 14 months ago what I’d be doing after I graduated, I would have said I’d be working in some entry-level position at some Fortune 500 Company, preferably not in Arkansas. (Although I do love Arkansas. Don’t get me wrong.) I would have said I’d be living in some new and exciting city. I’d be independent. I’d be paying my own bills (probably just barely). I’d be making new friends. Then, after a year or two, I’d meet an attractive, Jesus-loving guy, and a few more years after that I’d start popping out a few kids. You know, typical American Dream stuff. Because, like any other American, I love America. Why wouldn’t I pursue that dream?

Not only do I love this country, but I’m passionate about this country. I’ve always thought it was awesome when God called people overseas to Africa or somewhere to do mission work. Really, I did. I thought it was incredible because I felt like I didn’t have it in me. Maybe part of it’s the diva in me. But I also simply just felt called to America.  I felt called to what I believe is an overlooked and hurting nation of people. And I wanted to be in the middle of it.

I also love and am passionate about this country because many of my family have or are currently serving in the Armed Forces. They train, fight, and are willing to die for this country. Every Memorial Day, Veteran’s Day, 4^th of July, I feel extra proud and patriotic. Because, political disagreements aside, I love this country. And I love the people in this country. 

If you know me or have read previous posts, you know that I’m currently fundraising to go on staff in Germany with Young Life International, a non-profit ministry... So. I’m doing the exact opposite of what I thought I’d be doing. And, again, if you know me or have read previous posts, then you know it took me some time to be okay with that. Now, I’m so unbelievably excited for this adventure God is about to take me on. But it hasn’t been an easy process.

Now, back to the point of this post, the thing I’ve been struggling with all year and didn’t know how to articulate until now. It can be summed up in one word: Guilt.

I have felt guilty for leaving this country. I have felt guilty for abandoning my own American Dream and what I truly believed to be a calling. I was passionate about loving hurting and broken people in my own backyard. A backyard that is overlooked by the world. A backyard that many of my family are willing to die for. And I’m over here like, “Thanks for your sacrifice and service. But no thanks. I’m moving to Germany.” 

I knew that wasn’t Truth. I knew that’s not what I was actually doing or saying. But Satan’s pretty good at making you believe lies and making you feel guilty for them.

But Jesus never motivates by guilt. Guilt is not of the Spirit. Shoulda been my first clue.  

So then I thought maybe I was confusing my own desires with God-given desires. Maybe I was confusing patriotism for a calling. But the more I prayed about it, the stronger my passion for the U.S. and “American Christianity” became. But so did my desire to be in Germany. It was very confusing. But it was also very peaceful. I wasn’t getting any solid answers. Just The Lord sharing His unbelievable and overwhelming peace with me. It was that peace that gave me the confidence to keep moving forward in the hiring and fundraising processes.

Not until a few weeks ago did I feel The Lord finally begin to give me some answers. Which was great because I’d been in the dark for over a year, and I was gettin’ real sick of it.

You can choose both. It’s like The Lord suddenly unveiled my eyes to this great realization. You can choose both.

He didn’t tell me I’d be moving back to the U.S. after my five-year commitment in Germany is up. He didn’t tell me I’d be staying in Germany for the rest of my life. He didn’t give me any of those details. Whether I stay in Germany forever or I eventually move back to the U.S. isn’t the point though.

The point is that I can choose both. Somehow, I don’t know how, they’re connected.

It's not that He's only calling me to one of them. I’m not choosing one over the other. I'm not even choosing one and then the other. I can choose both. At the same time. 

I really don’t know how to describe it. Believe me, I’ve tried. So let’s just talk in clichés, so I don’t have to come up with the words myself. It’s like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I know this doesn’t really make a ton of sense. When I think about it from my own human perspective I’m like, “God, that’s literally impossible.” But have I so little faith to really believe it’s impossible for God? I’ve been walking with Jesus long enough to hear Him say that and it be enough for me. I have absolutely no idea what it will look like. No idea. But that’s part of the joy of living in Christ’s freedom. I don’t have to know right now what it will look like. I don’t have to know right now where I’ll be living or what I'll be doing five, ten, twenty years from now. I just know that I can choose both. So I do. Whatever that means, Jesus. I choose both.