i need your help

Seven months ago, I took on a task that has since pushed me and challenged me in ways that I never wanted to be pushed or challenged. But I could not be more grateful for it. I learned to initiate conversations with strangers, friends, and family about a subject that can be awkward and uncomfortable for everyone, including myself, to discuss. Yet Jesus has so much to say about it. That subject is money.

Seven months ago, I began fundraising to go on Young Life College staff in Germany for a minimum of five years. It has been a gift to have these conversations and invite people to be a part of what God is doing. 

Seven months ago, I had 0% of my budget raised. Today, I have 70%. And my goal is to be 100% funded by the end of this year. Will you help? Please watch the following short video to learn more!

To give, go to giving.younglife.org and search for "Stutts" under "A Young Life Staff Member's Ministry." Then select "Amy Stutts (TDS Chair)." All donations are tax deductible. Thank you!

class of 2014

Don’t you just hate it when you’re right, but the person who was wrong wins or gets their way? I don’t mind being wrong. But if I’m right, and things still don’t go my way… Something in me screams it’s an injustice. That it’s not fair.

I don’t think God is too concerned about what’s fair though. I think He’s more concerned about people knowing Him. I think He’s more concerned about my transformation to become more like Him…

Seven months ago, I took my last final, turned in my last paper, curled my hair, put on a pretty dress, and then covered it up with an unflattering graduation gown. But I didn’t care because it was my graduation day!

Now fast forward…

Two weeks ago, I discovered that I hadn’t actually graduated… I was less than happy. Not only was I not finding out about this until seven months later, but I really did graduate. I fulfilled every single requirement. The school’s records, however, showed that my degree was never awarded because I “never submitted my Senior Writing Requirement”. False. I submitted it once my junior year only to later discover it was never recorded, so I re-submitted it my senior year. Except apparently it still wasn’t there.

My initial reaction was that I’ve earned this degree and it’s not my fault that I don’t have it. I did everything right and now the people who are at fault are either not fixing their mistake as quickly as I think they should or they’re trying to fix it by changing my graduation date to May 2015 instead of May 2014. Okay, no. That’s not good enough. Because I want my diploma to say 2014. And I want my name on the Senior Walk to be under 2014. And in my head… That’s what I deserve. That’s what I’ve earned. That’s what I’m entitled to and I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

But is that what this is really about? God is sovereign and He could have made sure my paper was recorded either of the first two times it was submitted. But He didn’t and it wasn’t. Out of the thousands of people graduating, I was the only one whose degree fell through the cracks. The only one.

But is it really that big of a deal? Is angrily demanding that my name be engraved in one sidewalk instead of another forgiving someone who just made an honest mistake? Does the possibility of the wrong year on a piece of paper give me the right to yell at someone, who isn’t even at fault, but just had the misfortune of picking up the phone when I call? No. Jesus says I’m better than that and He calls me to a higher standard. Maybe graduating with the class of 2015 is worth it if it aids in the process of me becoming more like Christ. My life, every aspect of my life, should point people to Jesus. And if that means sacrificing something, even something I’ve rightfully earned… Then who cares?

Jesus laid down His rights. Then I should lay down mine. Especially one as insignificant as this.

(**UPDATE: I’ll officially be graduating with the class of 2014!)

from the bottom of my heart, i don't mean it

I’ve been reading Leviticus. It’s not the most exciting book in the world, not gonna lie. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be getting out of the book itself. But I’m learning a lot about being disciplined and faithful to read it anyway. Disciplined and faithful to read something I don’t want to read. Disciplined and faithful to do something I don’t want to do. And Jesus asks me, urges me, pleads for me, to do lots of things I don’t want to do. 

In 1 Thessalonians 5:18, He tells us to be “thankful for all circumstances.”

Okay, well I don’t wanna do that. Nothing in me wants to do that. I look at my circumstances, and, sure, some of them are great, but some of them are hard and confusing and I hate them. More often than not, I don’t like what I see when I look at my circumstances. I certainly don’t want to be thankful for them. No, what I want to do is sit in my anger because that’s a hell of a lot easier than being grateful.

Fine, God. Thank you for these unpleasant circumstances. I don’t mean it. From the bottom of my heart, I don’t mean it... But I’m asking you to get me there, so that I can genuinely be grateful. I’m presenting myself to you as best as I know how.

Fortunately, Romans 12:1-2 takes away the impossible pressure of producing that godliness within myself.

“Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.”

So I present myself. There are, of course, some days when I choose not to. But when I’m faithful and disciplined to do it even when I don’t want to, He is faithful to show up.  He is the one who transforms me. He is the one who gives me not only a heart of thanks, but a heart that rejoices in unpleasant circumstances. I just need to present myself. And give it time. 

abundance

Exactly a year ago I began pursuing a job with Young Life International. A year ago… That seems so crazy to me. A year ago at this time I was about two months into my senior year, and had no idea what I was going to do after I graduated. And today… Today, I have roughly half of my budget raised to move to Germany for a minimum of five years on Young Life International staff... So much has happened in the last year. So much. But more importantly, I’ve grown so much in the last year. I’m not who I was a year ago.

Every step of this process has been incredibly transforming. But I wanna talk about the fundraising process, which I’ve been in since June. Fundraising itself isn’t necessarily fun. It’s hard and it’s lonely and it really sucks a lot of the time. But the stories I could tell are amazing. They’re frustrating and difficult and nerve-racking, yes. But they’re amazing. The people I’ve met, the conversations I’ve had, the ways I’ve seen God show up again and again… I can tell the kinds of stories I’ve only ever read about before.

In Exodus 36, God gives the Israelites very meticulous instructions to build the ark, the tabernacle, the table, and a few other things. He gives some of them the skills and the abilities to build and set them to work. Equally important, the rest of the people who were willing were to give their personal possessions as materials for the builders to build with. Those who were instructed to build began to do so, knowing that there weren’t enough materials. But they trusted that it would come, so they worked as they were told. Morning after morning, the people who were willing continued to give and provide materials until eventually there was more than enough. The builders had to turn people away because there was an abundance of material.

In Matthew 14, Jesus feeds thousands of people with just five loaves of bread and two fish. After everyone had eaten until they were full, there were 12 baskets full of leftovers because there was more than enough. There was an abundance of food.

That’s the life God wants for us. Jesus said in John 10:10 that He came so that we could have life and have it abundantly. Even when the world says it doesn't look like abundance.

So that’s been my prayer. That there would be an abundance of people willing to give like those in Exodus 36. That there would be an abundance of people like the boy with the bread and fish in Matthew 14. Because, yes, the goal is to be fully funded by December 31st and move to Germany in January. But the ultimate goal is to just know Christ more. The ultimate goal is to be transformed to look more like Him. The ultimate goal, the point of all of this—of fundraising, of moving, and of life itself—is to enjoy my relationship with Him. And that’s what fundraising has been.

All of that being said, two weeks ago was a really terribly awful week. From a worldly perspective, at least. I sat in my car one night after a disappointing phone call, and I felt so discouraged and so defeated. I could have bounced back in a second if that phone call had been the only disappointing thing that had happened that week. But it seemed like I was getting bad news after bad news in several areas of my life. From a worldly perspective, everything about my circumstances looked impossible. They looked like reasons to quit and go into a stressful panic. It would have been easy to get angry with God at that point. And a year ago I would have. But I prayed and I presented it as best as I could.

Okay, Lord… I am saying this as humbly and respectfully as possible. But You have called me to this. So you have to come through.

I was a bit wordier, but that’s pretty much the gist of it. I sat in my car awhile longer, just praying. Less than 10 minutes later, I got an email from someone committing to give monthly, as well as giving me a few referrals to contact.

That’s life in abundance. That’s trusting The Lord when I have nothing. And then watching Him respond with everything. Sometimes it happens within 10 minutes. Sometimes it takes longer and comes in less obvious ways. But God is always faithful to show up. To transform me. And to let me know Him more. 

something good

When I was little, maybe like five or six, I remember grabbing my Bible, going into my parents’ bedroom, and asking my mom or my dad, whoever I could find, if we could have a Bible study. I remember being so excited to learn more about Jesus. I was crazy about Him.

I lost that crazy-for-Him fire for a few of my teenage years, but starting my sophomore year of college, I learned what it really meant to pursue and live in a daily relationship with Him. No matter what. Since then, I’ve been constantly growing, maturing, and learning new things.

There have only been three times in my 22 years, however, that The Lord has spoken to me as clearly as if He had actually spoken out loud. If you know me, then you know “words are hard” and they certainly fail me here. But the innermost core of my spirit just recognizes His voice in those beautiful moments. And just a few days ago, His voice rang loud and clear in my spirit.

Do you believe I have something good for you?

It's like that story in John 5 when Jesus asks the paralyzed man if he wants to get well. The answer seems obvious.

Well, yes, duh, of course, I do, Lord.

But then He asked me again.

Do you believe I have something good for you?

Well if He’s asking me again I figured my first answer was probably wrong. So I thought about it and prayed about it.

I know you do, Lord. I know you have good things for me. But I don't know. At this moment in time, no... I don't think I believe that. I feel anxious and fearful and a little angry, and it doesn’t feel like you have good things at all.

One thing that my dad has hammered into my head is that our feelings and emotions stem from our thoughts. If I’m thinking negative thoughts then my emotions are going to follow suit. But if I can just stop... If I can go back to the source...  Recognize that anxiety and fear are not of the Holy Spirit, reject whatever lies I’m believing that are causing me to feel that way, even if they feel true, and replace them with Truth, then eventually my feelings and emotions will catch up. But I have to choose to believe it. I have to take active steps to believe Truth even when my circumstances and emotions say otherwise.

So then, yes. I do believe You have something good for me. Because You say You do in Romans 8:28, Jeremiah 29:11, Isaiah 58:11, Jeremiah 1:5, Isaiah 43:18-19… All over scripture You promise good things for me. And that is Truth. Even when it doesn’t feel true.

you can choose both

First of all… This post took me a whole week to write. Which is very uncharacteristic of me. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I spent many late nights/early mornings in college (which, yes, I can now say, “When I was in college…” because I’m OLD and GRADUATED…) writing one draft, unedited papers because I waited until the night before they were due to start them. But this is way more important than any college paper. I’ve found that writing and blogging help me process whatever Jesus and I are wrestling with at the moment. Writing, as if to explain to other people, what I’m learning gives me an opportunity to organize my thoughts. It gives me clarity and forces me to really understand what The Lord is teaching me. So, confession, this blog is kind of selfish. I think I’ve had such a hard time with this particular post because I’ve been struggling with this particular thing for almost exactly 13 months. (It will be 13 months tomorrow.) It wasn’t until a few weeks ago, however, that I was able to articulate it. Attempting to put into eloquent words what I’m just now beginning to deal with has proven to be quite a challenge, so bear with me.

If you had asked me 14 months ago what I’d be doing after I graduated, I would have said I’d be working in some entry-level position at some Fortune 500 Company, preferably not in Arkansas. (Although I do love Arkansas. Don’t get me wrong.) I would have said I’d be living in some new and exciting city. I’d be independent. I’d be paying my own bills (probably just barely). I’d be making new friends. Then, after a year or two, I’d meet an attractive, Jesus-loving guy, and a few more years after that I’d start popping out a few kids. You know, typical American Dream stuff. Because, like any other American, I love America. Why wouldn’t I pursue that dream?

Not only do I love this country, but I’m passionate about this country. I’ve always thought it was awesome when God called people overseas to Africa or somewhere to do mission work. Really, I did. I thought it was incredible because I felt like I didn’t have it in me. Maybe part of it’s the diva in me. But I also simply just felt called to America.  I felt called to what I believe is an overlooked and hurting nation of people. And I wanted to be in the middle of it.

I also love and am passionate about this country because many of my family have or are currently serving in the Armed Forces. They train, fight, and are willing to die for this country. Every Memorial Day, Veteran’s Day, 4^th of July, I feel extra proud and patriotic. Because, political disagreements aside, I love this country. And I love the people in this country. 

If you know me or have read previous posts, you know that I’m currently fundraising to go on staff in Germany with Young Life International, a non-profit ministry... So. I’m doing the exact opposite of what I thought I’d be doing. And, again, if you know me or have read previous posts, then you know it took me some time to be okay with that. Now, I’m so unbelievably excited for this adventure God is about to take me on. But it hasn’t been an easy process.

Now, back to the point of this post, the thing I’ve been struggling with all year and didn’t know how to articulate until now. It can be summed up in one word: Guilt.

I have felt guilty for leaving this country. I have felt guilty for abandoning my own American Dream and what I truly believed to be a calling. I was passionate about loving hurting and broken people in my own backyard. A backyard that is overlooked by the world. A backyard that many of my family are willing to die for. And I’m over here like, “Thanks for your sacrifice and service. But no thanks. I’m moving to Germany.” 

I knew that wasn’t Truth. I knew that’s not what I was actually doing or saying. But Satan’s pretty good at making you believe lies and making you feel guilty for them.

But Jesus never motivates by guilt. Guilt is not of the Spirit. Shoulda been my first clue.  

So then I thought maybe I was confusing my own desires with God-given desires. Maybe I was confusing patriotism for a calling. But the more I prayed about it, the stronger my passion for the U.S. and “American Christianity” became. But so did my desire to be in Germany. It was very confusing. But it was also very peaceful. I wasn’t getting any solid answers. Just The Lord sharing His unbelievable and overwhelming peace with me. It was that peace that gave me the confidence to keep moving forward in the hiring and fundraising processes.

Not until a few weeks ago did I feel The Lord finally begin to give me some answers. Which was great because I’d been in the dark for over a year, and I was gettin’ real sick of it.

You can choose both. It’s like The Lord suddenly unveiled my eyes to this great realization. You can choose both.

He didn’t tell me I’d be moving back to the U.S. after my five-year commitment in Germany is up. He didn’t tell me I’d be staying in Germany for the rest of my life. He didn’t give me any of those details. Whether I stay in Germany forever or I eventually move back to the U.S. isn’t the point though.

The point is that I can choose both. Somehow, I don’t know how, they’re connected.

It's not that He's only calling me to one of them. I’m not choosing one over the other. I'm not even choosing one and then the other. I can choose both. At the same time. 

I really don’t know how to describe it. Believe me, I’ve tried. So let’s just talk in clichés, so I don’t have to come up with the words myself. It’s like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I know this doesn’t really make a ton of sense. When I think about it from my own human perspective I’m like, “God, that’s literally impossible.” But have I so little faith to really believe it’s impossible for God? I’ve been walking with Jesus long enough to hear Him say that and it be enough for me. I have absolutely no idea what it will look like. No idea. But that’s part of the joy of living in Christ’s freedom. I don’t have to know right now what it will look like. I don’t have to know right now where I’ll be living or what I'll be doing five, ten, twenty years from now. I just know that I can choose both. So I do. Whatever that means, Jesus. I choose both.

i prayed i'd lose my passport

Two years ago I traveled to Macedonia with Northwest Arkansas Young Life on a Young Life College trip. It was an incredible week. We learned about Young Life in Eastern Europe and did our small part to help develop it there. I loved every exhausting minute of it.

We also got to spend some time in London. That’s when I lost my passport… We were just minutes away from boarding the plane to fly back to Chicago when I realized it was missing.

You know that sense of panic when your teacher asks you to turn in homework and you completely forgot to do it? Or when you can’t find your keys and you were supposed to be somewhere important 10 minutes ago? Your eyes get really wide, you don’t realize you’re holding your breath, every other word that comes out of your mouth is a cuss word, and everyone around you is thinking how glad they are that that isn’t them? This was me for about three minutes. Except it felt like three hours.

I finally gave up looking through my carry-on and concluded that my passport was somewhere in this giant airport. Or it was in our hotel. Or it was in front of Buckingham Palace. Wherever it was, it was not with me and instead it was somewhere, anywhere, in London. I prayed desperately that God would let me find it in the next 20 minutes. 

Literally seconds after I prayed this, a woman I had never seen before tapped me on the shoulder.

“Amy.” It wasn’t a question. “I recognize you from your picture. I found your passport and just turned it in to security.” And then she was gone. I didn’t even see her leave.  

Within minutes, I was waiting at our gate as two airport security officers delivered my ticket home. I’ve never experienced a bigger wave of relief.

The best/worst part? I had prayed about an hour before all of this that I would get to see and experience God on this long, mundane travel day. Losing my passport wasn’t exactly what I had had in mind when I prayed that... 

I wish I could say that I was super spiritual and that I experienced God’s peace the whole time. But that’s not the case. I was freaking out and panicking the whole time. It's in moments like those that God wants to share His peace with me. I just needed to ask for it. But I was too busy focusing on my circumstances instead of Him to remember that. Even so, God allowed me to experience Him as He practically hand-delivered that stupid little booklet to me. I’m so glad I lost it. 

Someone brought up that story just a few days ago. And I had no idea what they were talking about until they reminded me of what happened. I have this incredible story of how God miraculously provided for me. And I just forgot about it.

The more time I spend in the Old Testament the more I notice a particular pattern. So many times God introduces Himself as the “God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob” or “The Lord your God who brought you out of Egypt.” He reminds Israel of who He is and what He has done for them in the past. He’s reminding them of how He has come through for them before, so that they will remember they can trust Him now. He knows that His people are prone to forget Him. And forgetting is a dangerous thing.