to germany we go

I’ve always wanted to be a blogger. But I never knew what I would write about. And I still don’t really. But God places events and people in our lives with divine purpose. Somehow those events and people you’re around every day, or even strangers for just one day, make epic stories. And they’re stories worth telling. So here it goes.

My freshman year of college seemed like an endless possibility of opportunities. Especially summer opportunities. I knew I would never get summers like this again, and I wanted to use them wisely. I was determined never to take a summer class or stay in Fayetteville. I mentally made a tentative plan of what I intended to do all three summers, and summer after my junior year I wanted to do Summer Staff at Lost Canyon, Session 2. I love spontaneity and impulsiveness, so I don’t know why I was being so specific about plans that were two years away. Especially when I wasn’t even walking with The Lord. I was angry with Him for allowing certain things to happen, but I knew that one day I would start pursuing Him again. And I guess I figured that that would be junior year.

And I was right. I did not start pursuing a genuine relationship with The Lord until I was 20 years old. Junior year was hard. But it was good. I learned to deal with things and mistakes of my past. I learned what it meant to depend on The Lord and pursue Him even when I didn’t feel like it. And I grew so much. By the end of that year, I felt absolute peace about going forward with the plans I had made two years earlier. So I got on a plane and headed to the middle of nowhere Arizona where Lost Canyon was located. Maybe it’s because it was a plan two years in the making and I had super high expectations that weren’t met… I don’t know. But it sucked. Those three weeks sucked. And I was so disappointed.

I remember sitting on the floor of the summer staff lounge waiting for our last meeting to begin. I was reflecting over the last three weeks and wondering where I had gone wrong.

Finally, our meeting began, and our summer staff coordinators introduced the topic of the meeting: Full-time Young Life staff. That’s all I needed to hear. I immediately began to shut down and check out because full-time ministry was not for me. I saw my parents doing it and it was hard and it was not for me as far as I was concerned. So I let my mind wander to anything and everything else as long as it meant I didn’t have to listen to whatever was going on in that meeting.

It only took a few minutes for The Lord to get my attention. I had a poor attitude. I freaking knew that. So I presented it as best as I could, and I silently prayed a quick prayer.

“Okay, Lord… I don’t wanna do this. But if this is something You want for me, then spark some kind of interest during this meeting.”

I wouldn’t say an “interest” was sparked that night. But I have never heard The Lord speak clearer to me. He made it very obvious what I was doing after I graduated. And that was going on staff with Young Life International.

I slept for literally only an hour that night. I just lied in my bed praying while the rest of the girls in the room slept.

“Young Life International? Really? Because I just turned 21 less than a week ago, and that’s really young. And I know you’ve called plenty of young people before. But I’m not them. And a few hours ago it was a hell no I’m not going into full-time ministry after I graduate and now you want me to move to another country by myself to do it? What country? I have always been passionate about people in the States, this so-called “Christian culture.” I want them to know You. To really know You. Not just claim to be Christians. Because I was one. And now you’re calling me away from it? I don’t understand… I want to trust You with this. I really do. But I don’t know how. So I’m presenting this to You the best way I know how right now. Give me the faith to believe you and trust you. Give me a heart and a desire for international missions. Because right now I don’t have it.”

By the next morning I was completely convinced that God hadn’t reallyyyy said anything about Young Life International and that I had made it all up in my head. I was gonna go back to Arkansas for my senior year, not knowing what life after graduation held. And that was okay. Because I had a whole year to figure it out. And it probably wouldn’t even be full-time ministry.

I started my senior year back in Fayetteville and it was great. I had zero complaints. But then everyone and their mom started asking what my plans were after graduation and I realized how annoying this question was. So I started praying about it because I really had no idea what I was doing come May. And Young Life International kept. Coming. Up. It was like those annoying gnats that don’t ever leave your face alone during the summer. I could not get Young Life International out of my head. And I tried. I tried so hard not to think about it. With no luck. It was exhausting.

Being on part-time Young Life staff was exhausting. Leading my team was exhausting. Leading my small group was exhausting. I felt like the only thing I was doing semi-okay at was baking brownies for them every week. And that doesn’t make a good leader. I didn’t understand why this was so exhausting. I was spending intentional time with The Lord every damn day. But my times with Him were so empty and unfulfilling, and I didn’t understand why. Because I really thought I was doing the right thing by not pursuing Young Life International. I was so deceived. So quick and willing to believe the lies.

After a couple months of this, my roommate, my mom, and several of my friends all pulled me aside, all on separate occasions, and asked what was going on. They all said the same thing: That I hadn’t been myself since school started. That I was in some kind of funk. That maybe God had told me to do something and I was being disobedient.

It’s the rebellious side of me that hates the thought of having to “obey.” But if there’s one thing I’ve learned this year… It’s obedience.

I knew what they meant by being disobedient even if they didn’t know… It was Young Life International. In October, I started taking active steps to pursue it. Not because I wanted to. But because I needed to be obedient to the Lord’s leading. As much as I hated that.

And, y’all… I get teary-eyed as I type this. It was a hard process. Walking around in circles in my apartment on hour-long phone interviews, hitting my knees hard at night in prayer, fighting the desire to back out… It was hard. But over the course of about four months, I experienced God change my heart like He never has before. I wanted this. I was passionate about this. And it wasn’t until I stepped out in faith and obeyed Him that He gave me the desire for this. And what a strong desire it was.

I remember exactly where I was when I found out that this was actually happening. It was February 21, 2014. Just three short months ago. I was walking between the Union and the Law building on my way to class when I got a call from an out-of-country number. And all of a sudden it was real… I was moving to Germany on Young Life International staff. I’m sure students walking by me thought I was psycho because I started crying as soon as I got off the phone. I have never experienced a joy like that before. And then I was 20 minutes late to class and failed a quiz because my mind was definitely on the other side of the world… I was moving to Germany. WHAT?

It’s been one heck of a year. It’s been a hard year. But it’s been a good year. I have grown so much, and I’m so grateful for it. It’s hard to believe that I graduate from college in just four days…As I start fundraising this summer and into the fall, my hope and prayer is that I experience The Lord in ways that I never have before. As I’m fundraising over these next nine months, which is a ministry in and of itself, I’ll prepare myself to move to the other side of the world to build relationships with German college students. Just over the past few weeks I’ve started praying for them. Praying for people I haven’t even met yet. People that will end up meaning the world to me. And I don’t even know their names. Or speak their language yet. It’s been the coolest thing to anticipate the relationships that God has yet to bring into my life. I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. But I’m ridiculously excited for whatever God has up His sleeve.