134 days, part I

I’ve been wanting to read the whole Bible, from beginning to end, for a few years now. But to be honest it was kind of an intimidating commitment, so I just stuck to things like six-week studies instead. But over this past Christmas break I decided I was finally going to read from Genesis to Revelation. I looked into different reading plans, most of which were to be completed within a year. I thought about doing one of those, but that plan quickly died…

I started reading Genesis on January 7^th. And just finished it two days ago on May 24^th.  If it took me almost five months to read one book, just 50 chapters, then reading the whole Bible in a year seems a little too ambitious. I don’t know how long it will take me. Probably a few years. Certainly not just one.

Five months is a long time. Through wrapping up college with my last semester, pursuing Young Life International staff, deciding to move to Germany, starting the fundraising process for staff, continuing to invest in my relationships with friends and family, and reading through Genesis, I’ve learned a lot over these last five months. I’ll talk about just one take-away right now. More to come in later posts.

But first… Here’s the thing about the Old Testament… I find it very frustrating and confusing. Most of the time I just really don’t get it. But it is also incredibly rich and fascinating. Perhaps that’s why I’ve spent so much time in just one of its books.

I would read one little verse, get stuck, and remain there for a week, sometimes two. I knew I was on the verge of “getting” whatever it was God was trying to teach me. It was frustrating at times knowing that this particular verse stood out to me... But why? Sometimes I didn’t get the answer for a few weeks. Or I’m still waiting for the answer.

Other times I would read three chapters in one day and feel like I got nothing out of it. Equally frustrating.

And still other times I would get just plain mad. I read just the first verse of Genesis 12 when I was still a little apprehensive about Young Life International staff and where I would end up.

The LORD had said to Abram, “Go from your country, your people, and your father’s household to the land I will show you.”

Not funny, God. Not funny. But more on that in my next post.

Okay, so here’s my first take-away from the last five months: Everyone in Genesis has to wait forever for everything. At least that’s what it seems like anyway. And learning how to wait is important. Not just idly waiting. But actively waiting. Patiently waiting. Much of life will be spent waiting. For a job, a raise, a promotion, a baby, a spouse, Spring Break, the weekend, happy hour, and whatever else. There’s always going to be something that’s next that we’re holding out for. And learning to wait well is important because it’s in those waiting periods that God does a lot of good work in us.

But waiting is hard for me. More and more I find myself loving change, so I’m always looking forward to the next thing. The next adventure. The next stage of life. And right now the next thing is Germany and all that that entails. But Germany is seven months away. Of course seven months is nothing compared to the 25 years that Abraham and Sarah had to wait for the baby that God had promised them. But seven months feels like freaking forever to me. But I’m learning that God does a lot of good things during the waiting periods, and He wants me to walk in that. To think ahead to the future with wisdom and shrewdness, yes. But to live in the present and stop wishing time away.

Because the reality is that Germany is not my present. Fundraising is.

I know that fundraising is an extremely important and biblical step in going on staff with Young Life International. I’ve spent the last few weeks grounded in scripture and preparing for it with my fundraising coach because it’s a big, intimidating number I have to raise before I can move. I’m getting more and more excited about fundraising as God changes my perspective on it. But if I’m not disciplined in my thoughts every day, it’s easy to look at it as an impossible goal or something that is standing in my way and holding me back from the ultimate goal: Actually moving. But that’s incorrect thinking. Fundraising over these next seven months is part of the ultimate goal. Not something holding me back. And it’s important that I walk in that with confidence. It’s important that I live in that and experience all that God has for me during this “waiting” period.

It took me 134 days to read Genesis. Through studying scripture and dealing with daily relationships and circumstances, God has taught me a lot in the past 134 days. Even when I don’t understand what I’m reading or what He’s doing or what I’m doing… I can trust Him because He is good, He is sovereign, and He loves me. I have to constantly remind myself of those three truths. He has changed and transformed my heart in more ways than one over the last 134 days. And while I will try to take them one day at a time and live in the present, I look forward to all that He has for me over the next 134 days.

my dog died 365 days ago

My oldest sister begged and begged our parents for a dog when my siblings and I were little. They finally caved when I was seven. And, y’all, I was the happiest seven-year-old in the world when we brought Ivy home. She was the most timid, shy, sweet, little beagle. And I fell madly in love with her.

Ivy was a family dog, sure. But she was my dog. And I was her human.

One of my parents’ rules about Ivy was that she had to sleep downstairs in her kennel at night. But Ivy didn’t like that. She howled and she whined and she cried herself to sleep in that stupid kennel. After one night of this, I decided I didn’t like this stupid rule either. After my parents went to bed, I would sneak downstairs, take Ivy out of her kennel, and bring her upstairs to sleep with me. I would then wake up early to take her back downstairs before my parents woke up. It didn’t take long before we kicked the kennel to the curb and my parents accepted that Ivy was gonna sleep with me every night.

Fast forward eight years.

When I was 15 and Ivy was 8, my parents replaced the carpet in our house. We were moving to Fayetteville in a year and they were trying to get the house ready to sell. Another stupid rule I didn’t like: Ivy was not allowed on the new carpet. My parents bought baby gates and a dog bed, and Ivy was to be confined to the kitchen where there was tile.

Okay… Ivy’s been sleeping in my bed for eight years. This wasn’t gonna go over well.

Fine. You’re gonna make my dog sleep on the cold tile. You’re gonna make your daughter sleep on the cold tile too then. And I moved my bedroom into the kitchen. Partly because I was mad at my parents and wanted to spite them. But mostly because I loved Ivy. (My parents and I have great relationships now. No worries.)

Fast forward a couple more years to Ivy happily allowed to roam the whole house, not just the kitchen, in Fayetteville.

She liked to sit on top of the couch and look out the window. She knew which cars belonged to her humans and which belonged to strangers, and when one of her humans cars pulled into the driveway, she would get so excited. She would jump off the couch and tap dance to the door to greet her humans. Her nails would click, click, click on the wooden floor, her tail would wag, and she would whimper for days as she licked and jumped.

This was only a problem when I was sneaking back into the house at 4am after a night out with a boy.

 Most people who entered our home didn’t understand Ivy. They didn’t understand her timid, shy “lack of personality.” But Ivy had a big personality and only those whom she loved got see it. Ivy loved her people. And she loved them well.

She loved me well even when I didn’t want her to. Like when I was trying to be quiet at 4am. She loved me when I was happy. When I was sad. When my heart was broken. She just loved to love. And be loved.

Fast forward a few more years to the end of my junior year of college.

Ivy died around 2:00pm on May 10^th, 2013, just 10 days before her 14^th birthday. The vet gave us our options and my parents said it was up to me. But all of the options sucked because they all left me without my dog. It was just a matter of when I would be left without her. How long would I selfishly, desperately hope the treatment would work, knowing that it wouldn’t, prolonging her pain and discomfort?

The one-year anniversary of Ivy’s death was this past Saturday. This past Saturday was also the day that I graduated from college. As happy as I was walking across that stage in heels that were slowly killing my feet, I couldn’t help but think that a year ago at this time I was telling the vet without a second thought to “just put her down.” It was the right decision. But I hated making it.

I don’t like when other people talk about Ivy. Even when it’s good things. Only when I bring her up is it okay to talk about her. I know that’s not fair or okay. But that’s how I’ve felt this past year, and especially these past three days as I’ve happily celebrated my graduation, while also mourning her death.

Josh Billings said, “A dog is the only thing on Earth that loves you more than he loves himself.”

“Dogs give unconditional love so you will be teensy bit prepared for God’s love when you die and meet Him. Otherwise, God’s love would knock you flat.”

Those are the wise words from Trixie Koontz, dog, author of Bliss to You by Dean Koontz.

I’ve spent the past three days thinking a lot about God’s love. Ivy was the sweetest gift God could have given seven-year-old me to show me, even just a tiny, tiny, tiny bit, how much He loves me.

I’ve never been in love. Not really. And I don’t have a child. So I know I haven’t experienced the capacity of how much a human can love. But I do know that I loved Ivy. And if I loved a dog that much… It’s overwhelming to think of how much more I can love. And it’s even more overwhelming to think of how much God loves me. I don’t even know how to fathom that kind of love. A fierce, unconditional, sacrificial, overwhelming, passionate love that can’t even compare to the love I had for my dog. Those adjectives don’t even do it justice. I can’t imagine that kind of love. And yet it exists. And God loves me with that kind of love because He is that kind of love.

Mind blown. 

to germany we go

I’ve always wanted to be a blogger. But I never knew what I would write about. And I still don’t really. But God places events and people in our lives with divine purpose. Somehow those events and people you’re around every day, or even strangers for just one day, make epic stories. And they’re stories worth telling. So here it goes.

My freshman year of college seemed like an endless possibility of opportunities. Especially summer opportunities. I knew I would never get summers like this again, and I wanted to use them wisely. I was determined never to take a summer class or stay in Fayetteville. I mentally made a tentative plan of what I intended to do all three summers, and summer after my junior year I wanted to do Summer Staff at Lost Canyon, Session 2. I love spontaneity and impulsiveness, so I don’t know why I was being so specific about plans that were two years away. Especially when I wasn’t even walking with The Lord. I was angry with Him for allowing certain things to happen, but I knew that one day I would start pursuing Him again. And I guess I figured that that would be junior year.

And I was right. I did not start pursuing a genuine relationship with The Lord until I was 20 years old. Junior year was hard. But it was good. I learned to deal with things and mistakes of my past. I learned what it meant to depend on The Lord and pursue Him even when I didn’t feel like it. And I grew so much. By the end of that year, I felt absolute peace about going forward with the plans I had made two years earlier. So I got on a plane and headed to the middle of nowhere Arizona where Lost Canyon was located. Maybe it’s because it was a plan two years in the making and I had super high expectations that weren’t met… I don’t know. But it sucked. Those three weeks sucked. And I was so disappointed.

I remember sitting on the floor of the summer staff lounge waiting for our last meeting to begin. I was reflecting over the last three weeks and wondering where I had gone wrong.

Finally, our meeting began, and our summer staff coordinators introduced the topic of the meeting: Full-time Young Life staff. That’s all I needed to hear. I immediately began to shut down and check out because full-time ministry was not for me. I saw my parents doing it and it was hard and it was not for me as far as I was concerned. So I let my mind wander to anything and everything else as long as it meant I didn’t have to listen to whatever was going on in that meeting.

It only took a few minutes for The Lord to get my attention. I had a poor attitude. I freaking knew that. So I presented it as best as I could, and I silently prayed a quick prayer.

“Okay, Lord… I don’t wanna do this. But if this is something You want for me, then spark some kind of interest during this meeting.”

I wouldn’t say an “interest” was sparked that night. But I have never heard The Lord speak clearer to me. He made it very obvious what I was doing after I graduated. And that was going on staff with Young Life International.

I slept for literally only an hour that night. I just lied in my bed praying while the rest of the girls in the room slept.

“Young Life International? Really? Because I just turned 21 less than a week ago, and that’s really young. And I know you’ve called plenty of young people before. But I’m not them. And a few hours ago it was a hell no I’m not going into full-time ministry after I graduate and now you want me to move to another country by myself to do it? What country? I have always been passionate about people in the States, this so-called “Christian culture.” I want them to know You. To really know You. Not just claim to be Christians. Because I was one. And now you’re calling me away from it? I don’t understand… I want to trust You with this. I really do. But I don’t know how. So I’m presenting this to You the best way I know how right now. Give me the faith to believe you and trust you. Give me a heart and a desire for international missions. Because right now I don’t have it.”

By the next morning I was completely convinced that God hadn’t reallyyyy said anything about Young Life International and that I had made it all up in my head. I was gonna go back to Arkansas for my senior year, not knowing what life after graduation held. And that was okay. Because I had a whole year to figure it out. And it probably wouldn’t even be full-time ministry.

I started my senior year back in Fayetteville and it was great. I had zero complaints. But then everyone and their mom started asking what my plans were after graduation and I realized how annoying this question was. So I started praying about it because I really had no idea what I was doing come May. And Young Life International kept. Coming. Up. It was like those annoying gnats that don’t ever leave your face alone during the summer. I could not get Young Life International out of my head. And I tried. I tried so hard not to think about it. With no luck. It was exhausting.

Being on part-time Young Life staff was exhausting. Leading my team was exhausting. Leading my small group was exhausting. I felt like the only thing I was doing semi-okay at was baking brownies for them every week. And that doesn’t make a good leader. I didn’t understand why this was so exhausting. I was spending intentional time with The Lord every damn day. But my times with Him were so empty and unfulfilling, and I didn’t understand why. Because I really thought I was doing the right thing by not pursuing Young Life International. I was so deceived. So quick and willing to believe the lies.

After a couple months of this, my roommate, my mom, and several of my friends all pulled me aside, all on separate occasions, and asked what was going on. They all said the same thing: That I hadn’t been myself since school started. That I was in some kind of funk. That maybe God had told me to do something and I was being disobedient.

It’s the rebellious side of me that hates the thought of having to “obey.” But if there’s one thing I’ve learned this year… It’s obedience.

I knew what they meant by being disobedient even if they didn’t know… It was Young Life International. In October, I started taking active steps to pursue it. Not because I wanted to. But because I needed to be obedient to the Lord’s leading. As much as I hated that.

And, y’all… I get teary-eyed as I type this. It was a hard process. Walking around in circles in my apartment on hour-long phone interviews, hitting my knees hard at night in prayer, fighting the desire to back out… It was hard. But over the course of about four months, I experienced God change my heart like He never has before. I wanted this. I was passionate about this. And it wasn’t until I stepped out in faith and obeyed Him that He gave me the desire for this. And what a strong desire it was.

I remember exactly where I was when I found out that this was actually happening. It was February 21, 2014. Just three short months ago. I was walking between the Union and the Law building on my way to class when I got a call from an out-of-country number. And all of a sudden it was real… I was moving to Germany on Young Life International staff. I’m sure students walking by me thought I was psycho because I started crying as soon as I got off the phone. I have never experienced a joy like that before. And then I was 20 minutes late to class and failed a quiz because my mind was definitely on the other side of the world… I was moving to Germany. WHAT?

It’s been one heck of a year. It’s been a hard year. But it’s been a good year. I have grown so much, and I’m so grateful for it. It’s hard to believe that I graduate from college in just four days…As I start fundraising this summer and into the fall, my hope and prayer is that I experience The Lord in ways that I never have before. As I’m fundraising over these next nine months, which is a ministry in and of itself, I’ll prepare myself to move to the other side of the world to build relationships with German college students. Just over the past few weeks I’ve started praying for them. Praying for people I haven’t even met yet. People that will end up meaning the world to me. And I don’t even know their names. Or speak their language yet. It’s been the coolest thing to anticipate the relationships that God has yet to bring into my life. I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. But I’m ridiculously excited for whatever God has up His sleeve.