being all adult-like

I don’t know how many times I’ve made the trip to Little Rock before. Probably a hundred. But this last one over the past two weeks was different. A friend of mine, who is actually more like a sister, asked me to house sit and take care of her pets and business while she and her husband were out of town for a week. The second week there I used to fundraise for Young Life International. So, no, this trip wasn’t the fun, spontaneous, foolish, irresponsible trip I would have taken a couple years ago. This was my first post-grad, adult, professional business trip.

And post-grad, adult, professional business trips aren’t as fun as my spontaneous, foolish, irresponsible trips. I realized living my sister's life for a week is hard work, especially when I'm sick. And I also realized that setting up fundraising appointments and asking for support is harder and more intimidating than I initially gave it credit for.

I was really discouraged one night and started to feel like I was in way over my head. What 21-year-old girl raises $340,000 ($5,000 in monthly support for five years plus $40,000 in start-up costs) and moves to another continent by herself? A crazy 21-year-old girl, that’s who. But like all thoughts and emotions at 1:00am, I knew I couldn’t trust or entertain this lie. With as much self-discipline as I could muster, I tried to control my thoughts, present them to The Lord, take some Nyquil, and just go to bed.

By the end of my two weeks, I was not only exhausted, but I felt like a little five-year-old girl playing dress up, trying to be a grown-up.

Real adult world: 1

Amy: 0

I wish I could say everything is fine and dandy now, that the trip ended up going amazingly well, and I raised half my budget. But that’s not the case.

Now that I’m back home in Fayetteville, I’ve been able to gain some perspective though. I kept my sister’s home and business afloat and I did meet with some donors, most of whom were excited to support me. The ones I didn’t get a chance to meet with, I’ve already made arrangements to meet with next time I’m in town. So the trip really wasn’t all terrible. In fact, it was a success, especially considering it was my first time doing everything I had just done.

These two weeks also served as some good reminders. First, this is supposed to be intentionally hard. God is using these next seven months of fundraising to purge me of my fears and insecurities, as my fundraising coach reminded me this morning. 

Second, I’ve always struggled with accepting my need to desperately dependent on Him. But that’s what this is. An opportunity to do just that. To depend on Him and trust Him. To recognize that I can't do it alone. 

Third, I have a God who fiercely loves me and is constantly fighting for me. I also have an Enemy who fiercely hates me and is constantly fighting to destroy me.

Fourth, God has called me to Young Life International staff in Germany. He has brought me this far and He’s not gonna leave me hangin’ now.

And lastly, this is an opportunity to pray big things and watch what God does.

Here is some scripture that really struck a nerve the last couple weeks. 

The Israelites went up out of Egypt ready for battle.—Exodus 13:18

The LORD will fight for you; you need only be still.—Exodus 14:14

Then the LORD said to Moses, “Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on.”—Exodus 14:15

He was amazed at their lack of faith.—Mark 6:6

God expected His people to move forward with boldness. He expected them to trust Him. And He expected them to expect that it was going to be hard. He had made it very clear by this point that He was for them even when it didn't look like it. That He was fighting for them. That He would deliver them not only out of something bad, but into something good. And through all of this, He would be glorified. 

And yet they still doubted.

I wonder if God sometimes says to me, “Why are you crying out to me? Get a move on.”

It’s not that He isn’t patient or loving or understanding. It’s not that He doesn’t want me to share my worries and fears and insecurities with Him. It’s not that He doesn’t care that I’m crying out to Him. But I wonder if sometimes He’s amazed at my lack of faith. I wonder if sometimes He just says, “Why are you crying out to Me? Haven’t I already proved that I am for you? That I am fighting for you? That I am working on your behalf? Get a move on. Do what I’ve called you to do and do it with confidence and boldness, even when it looks like the world is against you. Because I am for you. And I will be with you.”

It’s not easy. But it is simple.

delighting in what's standing in your way

A couple months ago, I got my budget for Young Life International, and I learned just how much money I need to fundraise before I move to Germany. If my eyes had gotten any wider when I saw that big, intimidating number, I think they might have literally popped out of my head. Because let’s just call it like it is. It’s a shit ton of money.

After my initial momentary freak out, I gained some perspective as I dove into the next step in the process: Fundraising training. Which would take a full month.

I really, really hate going slow in anything I do. I’m all about fast friendships and breaking speed limits because who has time for society’s rules and laws? And also it's just boring otherwise. Same goes for fundraising. Intimidated or not, I wanted to jump right in so that I could hurry up and move. I was viewing fundraising as something that was necessary, obviously. But also as something that was standing in my way of moving. And the sooner I fundraised, the sooner I could move.

I don’t think that that’s necessarily bad. But I was missing a very important point, and that’s that fundraising is in and of itself a ministry. It is biblical. It is not something that is holding me back or standing in my way. It’s a part of the process. A very important part. I was also forgetting to live in the moment and enjoy what God has for me right now. I love change, so I'm always looking forward to the next thing. Again, I don't think that's necessarily bad. Until I wish time away to get to that thing. It's a discipline I have to practice every day, especially right now. 

Training took up just a few hours of my time each week. I would pace back and forth, back and forth from the front door to the back door of my apartment on conference calls once or twice a week. Each call with my fundraising coach or regional director was grounded in scripture and taught me practical steps and biblical truths when it came to fundraising, money, and finances.  

I could talk about any one of those passages of scripture right now. But I wanna talk about one that isn’t really talking about money at all. It’s just what I read this morning.

Then the LORD said to Moses, “Now you will see what I will do to Pharaoh: Because of my mighty hand he will let them go; because of my mighty hand he will drive them out of his country.

God also said to Moses, “I am the LORD. I appeared to Abraham to Isaac and to Jacob as God Almighty, but by my name the LORD I did not make myself fully known to them. I also established my covenant with them to give them the land of Canaan, where they resided as foreigners. Moreover, I have heard the groaning of the Israelites, whom the Egyptians are enslaving, and I have remembered my covenant.

Therefore, say to the Israelites, ‘I am the LORD, and I will bring you out from under the yoke of the Egyptians. I will free you from being slaves to them, and I will redeem you with an outstretched arm and with mighty acts of judgment. I will take you as my own people, and I will be your God. Then you will know that I am the LORD your God, who brought you out from under the yoke of the Egyptians. And I will bring you to the land I swore with uplifted hand to give to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. I will give it to you as a possession. I am the LORD.”—Exodus 6:1-8

God makes it clear to Moses and to the rest of the Israelites that He is the one who frees them. It is by His power and mighty hand that they are set free. Not Moses’. Not Pharaoh’s. But God's. The One who notices their suffering and hears their cries. The One looks upon them with concern and wants to set them free. The One who wants to bring them out of suffering and into something good: the land which He promised. Because He is the LORD their God who redeems.

So then I never understood why in Exodus 4:21 God “hardens Pharaoh’s heart so that he will not let the people go.” Well if He hadn’t hardened his heart in the first place then all the plagues wouldn’t have been necessary and the Israelites would have been freed a hell of a lot sooner. Never made any sense to me.

Why are we going so slow? Why does it have to take this long? Those would have been my questions. 

And then this morning I took a closer look at those first eight verses in chapter six. How many times does God talk about how He is the one who frees, rescues, and redeems by His mighty hand?

… He rescued me because He delighted in me.—Psalm 18:19

God delighted in rescuing them. It brought Him joy to do so. And He made sure to make Himself known in the process, so that He would be glorified. And maybe that’s why He hardened Pharaoh’s heart. So that they would see what great and powerful measures God was willing to take in order to free them. So that they would know their value and worth. So that they would know not just how big and powerful He is, but how much He loves them and that He would go to such great lengths for them.

This was fresh in my mind this morning after my last fundraising training call. And I realized how this can be applied to where I’m currently at in my own life: fundraising.

Not that fundraising is the same as slavery in Egypt and not that He is rescuing me from a bad life. In fact, I’m having to leave a very good life behind. One that I will miss greatly. But it’s an interesting comparison to make.

It’s in the fundraising process that I will get to see God’s mighty hand at work. Just like He called Moses to work hard in this challenging task, He calls me to work hard. But He is the one who will ultimately raise the money and He is one who will be glorified and known through it.

That may mean it comes easily and in big, miraculous ways. Or it’s very difficult and slow and comes in small, miraculous ways. Or a combination of the two.

But either way, God will make Himself known through it. And in the process of that, He delights in taking me on the adventures of a lifetime. In fundraising. And in Germany. 

134 days, part II

Until recently, I had been going through a bit of a dry spell. I’d been hanging out with Jesus and spending daily time in His Word. And it was great. It really was. But if you were to ask me what I’d been learning I wouldn’t really have had an answer for you. I wasn’t learning anything super profound or new. So of course I had to give the generic answer that people give when they haven’t been spending time with Him at all:

“I just really feel like God is teaching me to trust Him right now.”

What? What the hell does that even mean? Could you be any more vague? That’s not a real answer. He’s teaching everyone that all the time.

I hate that answer.

Especially because I felt like I was on the verge of learning some really cool things. I was about to move to freaking Germany on Young Life staff, after all. I felt like I should be learning really cool, profound things. Every time I sat down and opened up my Bible, there was a deep, mysterious something in the words I was reading. And I knew I was so close to learning whatever it was that God was trying to teach me. And I just had to trust that I would know whatever it was soon enough…

It was a humbling period to say the least. 

The following paragraphs will probably be/most definitely will be a jumbled mess. Because my thoughts are a jumbled mess. As soon as I start to think I’m beginning to understand it… I don’t anymore. Maybe writing it down and trying to explain it to other people will help me make sense of it.

In Genesis 12, God tells Abraham to “go from your country, your people, and your father’s household to the land I will show you.”

Okay, cool. For me, that means Germany.

It’s so simple. Not easy. But it’s simple. I didn’t realize the depth of this until God really began to unpack it for me.

Israel’s promise after deliverance out of Egypt was for the land that God had promised to Abraham. The land was sanctified. It was holy.

In Exodus 3:5, God tells Abraham to take off his sandals because he is standing on holy ground. The ground by nature was not holy. But God made it holy because of His divine presence. Because it was set apart for The Lord’s service. Just as the Promised Land was for the Israelites.

I find it interesting that so many times God introduces Himself as the “God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.” He introduces Himself this way to people who never even knew them. But are descended from them.

If God thought it was important to keep bringing up Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, even after their deaths, then that must be important. Family line must be important. After all, Jesus came from this line.

Not gonna lie though. Reading all the genealogies is kinda boring. Especially when I can’t even pronounce most of the names. However, I have learned a few things through reading these genealogies. One is that family really is a big deal to God. My family is a big deal to God. Your family is a big deal to God.

I don’t know much about my own genealogy. Just that I’m a mutt from about eight different places. America’s melting pot at its finest. I always knew that I was part German on my dad’s side, so, after I learned that I would be moving to Germany, I started to do a little research. My dad also sent me some information that he had found about our family that once lived there before moving to the United States. I don’t know anything about them. What they were passionate about. Who they loved. Who loved them. Their work. Their hobbies. Their broken hearts. Their fears. Their desires. I just know their names.

I don’t know if they knew Jesus and had a relationship with Him. But I do know that I get to go back to where they once lived. And I get to build a life there. I have absolutely no idea what that life will look like. But I get to go to the land I come from.

But it doesn’t stop there. Because this is so much bigger than my move to Germany and it’s so much bigger than my own family.

As Christians, our “sanctified promised land” is found in the presence and purposes of Jesus. The old covenant is still important because Jesus came to fulfill it. But we get to live in the new covenant. Now, here’s where my mind is blown. And I pray that this never ceases to blow my mind for the rest of time.

“Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.” Romans 8:17

Because of Jesus, we too inherit all the riches of the kingdom of God. All promises. All righteousness. We are grafted into Israel. We are grafted into God Himself.

Because of Jesus.

We are grafted into God Himself.

We are co-heirs with Christ.

So, yes, family is a big deal to God. Because He adopted us into His own.