i need your help

Seven months ago, I took on a task that has since pushed me and challenged me in ways that I never wanted to be pushed or challenged. But I could not be more grateful for it. I learned to initiate conversations with strangers, friends, and family about a subject that can be awkward and uncomfortable for everyone, including myself, to discuss. Yet Jesus has so much to say about it. That subject is money.

Seven months ago, I began fundraising to go on Young Life College staff in Germany for a minimum of five years. It has been a gift to have these conversations and invite people to be a part of what God is doing. 

Seven months ago, I had 0% of my budget raised. Today, I have 70%. And my goal is to be 100% funded by the end of this year. Will you help? Please watch the following short video to learn more!

To give, go to giving.younglife.org and search for "Stutts" under "A Young Life Staff Member's Ministry." Then select "Amy Stutts (TDS Chair)." All donations are tax deductible. Thank you!

class of 2014

Don’t you just hate it when you’re right, but the person who was wrong wins or gets their way? I don’t mind being wrong. But if I’m right, and things still don’t go my way… Something in me screams it’s an injustice. That it’s not fair.

I don’t think God is too concerned about what’s fair though. I think He’s more concerned about people knowing Him. I think He’s more concerned about my transformation to become more like Him…

Seven months ago, I took my last final, turned in my last paper, curled my hair, put on a pretty dress, and then covered it up with an unflattering graduation gown. But I didn’t care because it was my graduation day!

Now fast forward…

Two weeks ago, I discovered that I hadn’t actually graduated… I was less than happy. Not only was I not finding out about this until seven months later, but I really did graduate. I fulfilled every single requirement. The school’s records, however, showed that my degree was never awarded because I “never submitted my Senior Writing Requirement”. False. I submitted it once my junior year only to later discover it was never recorded, so I re-submitted it my senior year. Except apparently it still wasn’t there.

My initial reaction was that I’ve earned this degree and it’s not my fault that I don’t have it. I did everything right and now the people who are at fault are either not fixing their mistake as quickly as I think they should or they’re trying to fix it by changing my graduation date to May 2015 instead of May 2014. Okay, no. That’s not good enough. Because I want my diploma to say 2014. And I want my name on the Senior Walk to be under 2014. And in my head… That’s what I deserve. That’s what I’ve earned. That’s what I’m entitled to and I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

But is that what this is really about? God is sovereign and He could have made sure my paper was recorded either of the first two times it was submitted. But He didn’t and it wasn’t. Out of the thousands of people graduating, I was the only one whose degree fell through the cracks. The only one.

But is it really that big of a deal? Is angrily demanding that my name be engraved in one sidewalk instead of another forgiving someone who just made an honest mistake? Does the possibility of the wrong year on a piece of paper give me the right to yell at someone, who isn’t even at fault, but just had the misfortune of picking up the phone when I call? No. Jesus says I’m better than that and He calls me to a higher standard. Maybe graduating with the class of 2015 is worth it if it aids in the process of me becoming more like Christ. My life, every aspect of my life, should point people to Jesus. And if that means sacrificing something, even something I’ve rightfully earned… Then who cares?

Jesus laid down His rights. Then I should lay down mine. Especially one as insignificant as this.

(**UPDATE: I’ll officially be graduating with the class of 2014!)

from the bottom of my heart, i don't mean it

I’ve been reading Leviticus. It’s not the most exciting book in the world, not gonna lie. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be getting out of the book itself. But I’m learning a lot about being disciplined and faithful to read it anyway. Disciplined and faithful to read something I don’t want to read. Disciplined and faithful to do something I don’t want to do. And Jesus asks me, urges me, pleads for me, to do lots of things I don’t want to do. 

In 1 Thessalonians 5:18, He tells us to be “thankful for all circumstances.”

Okay, well I don’t wanna do that. Nothing in me wants to do that. I look at my circumstances, and, sure, some of them are great, but some of them are hard and confusing and I hate them. More often than not, I don’t like what I see when I look at my circumstances. I certainly don’t want to be thankful for them. No, what I want to do is sit in my anger because that’s a hell of a lot easier than being grateful.

Fine, God. Thank you for these unpleasant circumstances. I don’t mean it. From the bottom of my heart, I don’t mean it... But I’m asking you to get me there, so that I can genuinely be grateful. I’m presenting myself to you as best as I know how.

Fortunately, Romans 12:1-2 takes away the impossible pressure of producing that godliness within myself.

“Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.”

So I present myself. There are, of course, some days when I choose not to. But when I’m faithful and disciplined to do it even when I don’t want to, He is faithful to show up.  He is the one who transforms me. He is the one who gives me not only a heart of thanks, but a heart that rejoices in unpleasant circumstances. I just need to present myself. And give it time. 

abundance

Exactly a year ago I began pursuing a job with Young Life International. A year ago… That seems so crazy to me. A year ago at this time I was about two months into my senior year, and had no idea what I was going to do after I graduated. And today… Today, I have roughly half of my budget raised to move to Germany for a minimum of five years on Young Life International staff... So much has happened in the last year. So much. But more importantly, I’ve grown so much in the last year. I’m not who I was a year ago.

Every step of this process has been incredibly transforming. But I wanna talk about the fundraising process, which I’ve been in since June. Fundraising itself isn’t necessarily fun. It’s hard and it’s lonely and it really sucks a lot of the time. But the stories I could tell are amazing. They’re frustrating and difficult and nerve-racking, yes. But they’re amazing. The people I’ve met, the conversations I’ve had, the ways I’ve seen God show up again and again… I can tell the kinds of stories I’ve only ever read about before.

In Exodus 36, God gives the Israelites very meticulous instructions to build the ark, the tabernacle, the table, and a few other things. He gives some of them the skills and the abilities to build and set them to work. Equally important, the rest of the people who were willing were to give their personal possessions as materials for the builders to build with. Those who were instructed to build began to do so, knowing that there weren’t enough materials. But they trusted that it would come, so they worked as they were told. Morning after morning, the people who were willing continued to give and provide materials until eventually there was more than enough. The builders had to turn people away because there was an abundance of material.

In Matthew 14, Jesus feeds thousands of people with just five loaves of bread and two fish. After everyone had eaten until they were full, there were 12 baskets full of leftovers because there was more than enough. There was an abundance of food.

That’s the life God wants for us. Jesus said in John 10:10 that He came so that we could have life and have it abundantly. Even when the world says it doesn't look like abundance.

So that’s been my prayer. That there would be an abundance of people willing to give like those in Exodus 36. That there would be an abundance of people like the boy with the bread and fish in Matthew 14. Because, yes, the goal is to be fully funded by December 31st and move to Germany in January. But the ultimate goal is to just know Christ more. The ultimate goal is to be transformed to look more like Him. The ultimate goal, the point of all of this—of fundraising, of moving, and of life itself—is to enjoy my relationship with Him. And that’s what fundraising has been.

All of that being said, two weeks ago was a really terribly awful week. From a worldly perspective, at least. I sat in my car one night after a disappointing phone call, and I felt so discouraged and so defeated. I could have bounced back in a second if that phone call had been the only disappointing thing that had happened that week. But it seemed like I was getting bad news after bad news in several areas of my life. From a worldly perspective, everything about my circumstances looked impossible. They looked like reasons to quit and go into a stressful panic. It would have been easy to get angry with God at that point. And a year ago I would have. But I prayed and I presented it as best as I could.

Okay, Lord… I am saying this as humbly and respectfully as possible. But You have called me to this. So you have to come through.

I was a bit wordier, but that’s pretty much the gist of it. I sat in my car awhile longer, just praying. Less than 10 minutes later, I got an email from someone committing to give monthly, as well as giving me a few referrals to contact.

That’s life in abundance. That’s trusting The Lord when I have nothing. And then watching Him respond with everything. Sometimes it happens within 10 minutes. Sometimes it takes longer and comes in less obvious ways. But God is always faithful to show up. To transform me. And to let me know Him more. 

something good

When I was little, maybe like five or six, I remember grabbing my Bible, going into my parents’ bedroom, and asking my mom or my dad, whoever I could find, if we could have a Bible study. I remember being so excited to learn more about Jesus. I was crazy about Him.

I lost that crazy-for-Him fire for a few of my teenage years, but starting my sophomore year of college, I learned what it really meant to pursue and live in a daily relationship with Him. No matter what. Since then, I’ve been constantly growing, maturing, and learning new things.

There have only been three times in my 22 years, however, that The Lord has spoken to me as clearly as if He had actually spoken out loud. If you know me, then you know “words are hard” and they certainly fail me here. But the innermost core of my spirit just recognizes His voice in those beautiful moments. And just a few days ago, His voice rang loud and clear in my spirit.

Do you believe I have something good for you?

It's like that story in John 5 when Jesus asks the paralyzed man if he wants to get well. The answer seems obvious.

Well, yes, duh, of course, I do, Lord.

But then He asked me again.

Do you believe I have something good for you?

Well if He’s asking me again I figured my first answer was probably wrong. So I thought about it and prayed about it.

I know you do, Lord. I know you have good things for me. But I don't know. At this moment in time, no... I don't think I believe that. I feel anxious and fearful and a little angry, and it doesn’t feel like you have good things at all.

One thing that my dad has hammered into my head is that our feelings and emotions stem from our thoughts. If I’m thinking negative thoughts then my emotions are going to follow suit. But if I can just stop... If I can go back to the source...  Recognize that anxiety and fear are not of the Holy Spirit, reject whatever lies I’m believing that are causing me to feel that way, even if they feel true, and replace them with Truth, then eventually my feelings and emotions will catch up. But I have to choose to believe it. I have to take active steps to believe Truth even when my circumstances and emotions say otherwise.

So then, yes. I do believe You have something good for me. Because You say You do in Romans 8:28, Jeremiah 29:11, Isaiah 58:11, Jeremiah 1:5, Isaiah 43:18-19… All over scripture You promise good things for me. And that is Truth. Even when it doesn’t feel true.

you can choose both

First of all… This post took me a whole week to write. Which is very uncharacteristic of me. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I spent many late nights/early mornings in college (which, yes, I can now say, “When I was in college…” because I’m OLD and GRADUATED…) writing one draft, unedited papers because I waited until the night before they were due to start them. But this is way more important than any college paper. I’ve found that writing and blogging help me process whatever Jesus and I are wrestling with at the moment. Writing, as if to explain to other people, what I’m learning gives me an opportunity to organize my thoughts. It gives me clarity and forces me to really understand what The Lord is teaching me. So, confession, this blog is kind of selfish. I think I’ve had such a hard time with this particular post because I’ve been struggling with this particular thing for almost exactly 13 months. (It will be 13 months tomorrow.) It wasn’t until a few weeks ago, however, that I was able to articulate it. Attempting to put into eloquent words what I’m just now beginning to deal with has proven to be quite a challenge, so bear with me.

If you had asked me 14 months ago what I’d be doing after I graduated, I would have said I’d be working in some entry-level position at some Fortune 500 Company, preferably not in Arkansas. (Although I do love Arkansas. Don’t get me wrong.) I would have said I’d be living in some new and exciting city. I’d be independent. I’d be paying my own bills (probably just barely). I’d be making new friends. Then, after a year or two, I’d meet an attractive, Jesus-loving guy, and a few more years after that I’d start popping out a few kids. You know, typical American Dream stuff. Because, like any other American, I love America. Why wouldn’t I pursue that dream?

Not only do I love this country, but I’m passionate about this country. I’ve always thought it was awesome when God called people overseas to Africa or somewhere to do mission work. Really, I did. I thought it was incredible because I felt like I didn’t have it in me. Maybe part of it’s the diva in me. But I also simply just felt called to America.  I felt called to what I believe is an overlooked and hurting nation of people. And I wanted to be in the middle of it.

I also love and am passionate about this country because many of my family have or are currently serving in the Armed Forces. They train, fight, and are willing to die for this country. Every Memorial Day, Veteran’s Day, 4^th of July, I feel extra proud and patriotic. Because, political disagreements aside, I love this country. And I love the people in this country. 

If you know me or have read previous posts, you know that I’m currently fundraising to go on staff in Germany with Young Life International, a non-profit ministry... So. I’m doing the exact opposite of what I thought I’d be doing. And, again, if you know me or have read previous posts, then you know it took me some time to be okay with that. Now, I’m so unbelievably excited for this adventure God is about to take me on. But it hasn’t been an easy process.

Now, back to the point of this post, the thing I’ve been struggling with all year and didn’t know how to articulate until now. It can be summed up in one word: Guilt.

I have felt guilty for leaving this country. I have felt guilty for abandoning my own American Dream and what I truly believed to be a calling. I was passionate about loving hurting and broken people in my own backyard. A backyard that is overlooked by the world. A backyard that many of my family are willing to die for. And I’m over here like, “Thanks for your sacrifice and service. But no thanks. I’m moving to Germany.” 

I knew that wasn’t Truth. I knew that’s not what I was actually doing or saying. But Satan’s pretty good at making you believe lies and making you feel guilty for them.

But Jesus never motivates by guilt. Guilt is not of the Spirit. Shoulda been my first clue.  

So then I thought maybe I was confusing my own desires with God-given desires. Maybe I was confusing patriotism for a calling. But the more I prayed about it, the stronger my passion for the U.S. and “American Christianity” became. But so did my desire to be in Germany. It was very confusing. But it was also very peaceful. I wasn’t getting any solid answers. Just The Lord sharing His unbelievable and overwhelming peace with me. It was that peace that gave me the confidence to keep moving forward in the hiring and fundraising processes.

Not until a few weeks ago did I feel The Lord finally begin to give me some answers. Which was great because I’d been in the dark for over a year, and I was gettin’ real sick of it.

You can choose both. It’s like The Lord suddenly unveiled my eyes to this great realization. You can choose both.

He didn’t tell me I’d be moving back to the U.S. after my five-year commitment in Germany is up. He didn’t tell me I’d be staying in Germany for the rest of my life. He didn’t give me any of those details. Whether I stay in Germany forever or I eventually move back to the U.S. isn’t the point though.

The point is that I can choose both. Somehow, I don’t know how, they’re connected.

It's not that He's only calling me to one of them. I’m not choosing one over the other. I'm not even choosing one and then the other. I can choose both. At the same time. 

I really don’t know how to describe it. Believe me, I’ve tried. So let’s just talk in clichés, so I don’t have to come up with the words myself. It’s like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I know this doesn’t really make a ton of sense. When I think about it from my own human perspective I’m like, “God, that’s literally impossible.” But have I so little faith to really believe it’s impossible for God? I’ve been walking with Jesus long enough to hear Him say that and it be enough for me. I have absolutely no idea what it will look like. No idea. But that’s part of the joy of living in Christ’s freedom. I don’t have to know right now what it will look like. I don’t have to know right now where I’ll be living or what I'll be doing five, ten, twenty years from now. I just know that I can choose both. So I do. Whatever that means, Jesus. I choose both.

i prayed i'd lose my passport

Two years ago I traveled to Macedonia with Northwest Arkansas Young Life on a Young Life College trip. It was an incredible week. We learned about Young Life in Eastern Europe and did our small part to help develop it there. I loved every exhausting minute of it.

We also got to spend some time in London. That’s when I lost my passport… We were just minutes away from boarding the plane to fly back to Chicago when I realized it was missing.

You know that sense of panic when your teacher asks you to turn in homework and you completely forgot to do it? Or when you can’t find your keys and you were supposed to be somewhere important 10 minutes ago? Your eyes get really wide, you don’t realize you’re holding your breath, every other word that comes out of your mouth is a cuss word, and everyone around you is thinking how glad they are that that isn’t them? This was me for about three minutes. Except it felt like three hours.

I finally gave up looking through my carry-on and concluded that my passport was somewhere in this giant airport. Or it was in our hotel. Or it was in front of Buckingham Palace. Wherever it was, it was not with me and instead it was somewhere, anywhere, in London. I prayed desperately that God would let me find it in the next 20 minutes. 

Literally seconds after I prayed this, a woman I had never seen before tapped me on the shoulder.

“Amy.” It wasn’t a question. “I recognize you from your picture. I found your passport and just turned it in to security.” And then she was gone. I didn’t even see her leave.  

Within minutes, I was waiting at our gate as two airport security officers delivered my ticket home. I’ve never experienced a bigger wave of relief.

The best/worst part? I had prayed about an hour before all of this that I would get to see and experience God on this long, mundane travel day. Losing my passport wasn’t exactly what I had had in mind when I prayed that... 

I wish I could say that I was super spiritual and that I experienced God’s peace the whole time. But that’s not the case. I was freaking out and panicking the whole time. It's in moments like those that God wants to share His peace with me. I just needed to ask for it. But I was too busy focusing on my circumstances instead of Him to remember that. Even so, God allowed me to experience Him as He practically hand-delivered that stupid little booklet to me. I’m so glad I lost it. 

Someone brought up that story just a few days ago. And I had no idea what they were talking about until they reminded me of what happened. I have this incredible story of how God miraculously provided for me. And I just forgot about it.

The more time I spend in the Old Testament the more I notice a particular pattern. So many times God introduces Himself as the “God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob” or “The Lord your God who brought you out of Egypt.” He reminds Israel of who He is and what He has done for them in the past. He’s reminding them of how He has come through for them before, so that they will remember they can trust Him now. He knows that His people are prone to forget Him. And forgetting is a dangerous thing. 

being all adult-like

I don’t know how many times I’ve made the trip to Little Rock before. Probably a hundred. But this last one over the past two weeks was different. A friend of mine, who is actually more like a sister, asked me to house sit and take care of her pets and business while she and her husband were out of town for a week. The second week there I used to fundraise for Young Life International. So, no, this trip wasn’t the fun, spontaneous, foolish, irresponsible trip I would have taken a couple years ago. This was my first post-grad, adult, professional business trip.

And post-grad, adult, professional business trips aren’t as fun as my spontaneous, foolish, irresponsible trips. I realized living my sister's life for a week is hard work, especially when I'm sick. And I also realized that setting up fundraising appointments and asking for support is harder and more intimidating than I initially gave it credit for.

I was really discouraged one night and started to feel like I was in way over my head. What 21-year-old girl raises $340,000 ($5,000 in monthly support for five years plus $40,000 in start-up costs) and moves to another continent by herself? A crazy 21-year-old girl, that’s who. But like all thoughts and emotions at 1:00am, I knew I couldn’t trust or entertain this lie. With as much self-discipline as I could muster, I tried to control my thoughts, present them to The Lord, take some Nyquil, and just go to bed.

By the end of my two weeks, I was not only exhausted, but I felt like a little five-year-old girl playing dress up, trying to be a grown-up.

Real adult world: 1

Amy: 0

I wish I could say everything is fine and dandy now, that the trip ended up going amazingly well, and I raised half my budget. But that’s not the case.

Now that I’m back home in Fayetteville, I’ve been able to gain some perspective though. I kept my sister’s home and business afloat and I did meet with some donors, most of whom were excited to support me. The ones I didn’t get a chance to meet with, I’ve already made arrangements to meet with next time I’m in town. So the trip really wasn’t all terrible. In fact, it was a success, especially considering it was my first time doing everything I had just done.

These two weeks also served as some good reminders. First, this is supposed to be intentionally hard. God is using these next seven months of fundraising to purge me of my fears and insecurities, as my fundraising coach reminded me this morning. 

Second, I’ve always struggled with accepting my need to desperately dependent on Him. But that’s what this is. An opportunity to do just that. To depend on Him and trust Him. To recognize that I can't do it alone. 

Third, I have a God who fiercely loves me and is constantly fighting for me. I also have an Enemy who fiercely hates me and is constantly fighting to destroy me.

Fourth, God has called me to Young Life International staff in Germany. He has brought me this far and He’s not gonna leave me hangin’ now.

And lastly, this is an opportunity to pray big things and watch what God does.

Here is some scripture that really struck a nerve the last couple weeks. 

The Israelites went up out of Egypt ready for battle.—Exodus 13:18

The LORD will fight for you; you need only be still.—Exodus 14:14

Then the LORD said to Moses, “Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on.”—Exodus 14:15

He was amazed at their lack of faith.—Mark 6:6

God expected His people to move forward with boldness. He expected them to trust Him. And He expected them to expect that it was going to be hard. He had made it very clear by this point that He was for them even when it didn't look like it. That He was fighting for them. That He would deliver them not only out of something bad, but into something good. And through all of this, He would be glorified. 

And yet they still doubted.

I wonder if God sometimes says to me, “Why are you crying out to me? Get a move on.”

It’s not that He isn’t patient or loving or understanding. It’s not that He doesn’t want me to share my worries and fears and insecurities with Him. It’s not that He doesn’t care that I’m crying out to Him. But I wonder if sometimes He’s amazed at my lack of faith. I wonder if sometimes He just says, “Why are you crying out to Me? Haven’t I already proved that I am for you? That I am fighting for you? That I am working on your behalf? Get a move on. Do what I’ve called you to do and do it with confidence and boldness, even when it looks like the world is against you. Because I am for you. And I will be with you.”

It’s not easy. But it is simple.

delighting in what's standing in your way

A couple months ago, I got my budget for Young Life International, and I learned just how much money I need to fundraise before I move to Germany. If my eyes had gotten any wider when I saw that big, intimidating number, I think they might have literally popped out of my head. Because let’s just call it like it is. It’s a shit ton of money.

After my initial momentary freak out, I gained some perspective as I dove into the next step in the process: Fundraising training. Which would take a full month.

I really, really hate going slow in anything I do. I’m all about fast friendships and breaking speed limits because who has time for society’s rules and laws? And also it's just boring otherwise. Same goes for fundraising. Intimidated or not, I wanted to jump right in so that I could hurry up and move. I was viewing fundraising as something that was necessary, obviously. But also as something that was standing in my way of moving. And the sooner I fundraised, the sooner I could move.

I don’t think that that’s necessarily bad. But I was missing a very important point, and that’s that fundraising is in and of itself a ministry. It is biblical. It is not something that is holding me back or standing in my way. It’s a part of the process. A very important part. I was also forgetting to live in the moment and enjoy what God has for me right now. I love change, so I'm always looking forward to the next thing. Again, I don't think that's necessarily bad. Until I wish time away to get to that thing. It's a discipline I have to practice every day, especially right now. 

Training took up just a few hours of my time each week. I would pace back and forth, back and forth from the front door to the back door of my apartment on conference calls once or twice a week. Each call with my fundraising coach or regional director was grounded in scripture and taught me practical steps and biblical truths when it came to fundraising, money, and finances.  

I could talk about any one of those passages of scripture right now. But I wanna talk about one that isn’t really talking about money at all. It’s just what I read this morning.

Then the LORD said to Moses, “Now you will see what I will do to Pharaoh: Because of my mighty hand he will let them go; because of my mighty hand he will drive them out of his country.

God also said to Moses, “I am the LORD. I appeared to Abraham to Isaac and to Jacob as God Almighty, but by my name the LORD I did not make myself fully known to them. I also established my covenant with them to give them the land of Canaan, where they resided as foreigners. Moreover, I have heard the groaning of the Israelites, whom the Egyptians are enslaving, and I have remembered my covenant.

Therefore, say to the Israelites, ‘I am the LORD, and I will bring you out from under the yoke of the Egyptians. I will free you from being slaves to them, and I will redeem you with an outstretched arm and with mighty acts of judgment. I will take you as my own people, and I will be your God. Then you will know that I am the LORD your God, who brought you out from under the yoke of the Egyptians. And I will bring you to the land I swore with uplifted hand to give to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. I will give it to you as a possession. I am the LORD.”—Exodus 6:1-8

God makes it clear to Moses and to the rest of the Israelites that He is the one who frees them. It is by His power and mighty hand that they are set free. Not Moses’. Not Pharaoh’s. But God's. The One who notices their suffering and hears their cries. The One looks upon them with concern and wants to set them free. The One who wants to bring them out of suffering and into something good: the land which He promised. Because He is the LORD their God who redeems.

So then I never understood why in Exodus 4:21 God “hardens Pharaoh’s heart so that he will not let the people go.” Well if He hadn’t hardened his heart in the first place then all the plagues wouldn’t have been necessary and the Israelites would have been freed a hell of a lot sooner. Never made any sense to me.

Why are we going so slow? Why does it have to take this long? Those would have been my questions. 

And then this morning I took a closer look at those first eight verses in chapter six. How many times does God talk about how He is the one who frees, rescues, and redeems by His mighty hand?

… He rescued me because He delighted in me.—Psalm 18:19

God delighted in rescuing them. It brought Him joy to do so. And He made sure to make Himself known in the process, so that He would be glorified. And maybe that’s why He hardened Pharaoh’s heart. So that they would see what great and powerful measures God was willing to take in order to free them. So that they would know their value and worth. So that they would know not just how big and powerful He is, but how much He loves them and that He would go to such great lengths for them.

This was fresh in my mind this morning after my last fundraising training call. And I realized how this can be applied to where I’m currently at in my own life: fundraising.

Not that fundraising is the same as slavery in Egypt and not that He is rescuing me from a bad life. In fact, I’m having to leave a very good life behind. One that I will miss greatly. But it’s an interesting comparison to make.

It’s in the fundraising process that I will get to see God’s mighty hand at work. Just like He called Moses to work hard in this challenging task, He calls me to work hard. But He is the one who will ultimately raise the money and He is one who will be glorified and known through it.

That may mean it comes easily and in big, miraculous ways. Or it’s very difficult and slow and comes in small, miraculous ways. Or a combination of the two.

But either way, God will make Himself known through it. And in the process of that, He delights in taking me on the adventures of a lifetime. In fundraising. And in Germany. 

134 days, part II

Until recently, I had been going through a bit of a dry spell. I’d been hanging out with Jesus and spending daily time in His Word. And it was great. It really was. But if you were to ask me what I’d been learning I wouldn’t really have had an answer for you. I wasn’t learning anything super profound or new. So of course I had to give the generic answer that people give when they haven’t been spending time with Him at all:

“I just really feel like God is teaching me to trust Him right now.”

What? What the hell does that even mean? Could you be any more vague? That’s not a real answer. He’s teaching everyone that all the time.

I hate that answer.

Especially because I felt like I was on the verge of learning some really cool things. I was about to move to freaking Germany on Young Life staff, after all. I felt like I should be learning really cool, profound things. Every time I sat down and opened up my Bible, there was a deep, mysterious something in the words I was reading. And I knew I was so close to learning whatever it was that God was trying to teach me. And I just had to trust that I would know whatever it was soon enough…

It was a humbling period to say the least. 

The following paragraphs will probably be/most definitely will be a jumbled mess. Because my thoughts are a jumbled mess. As soon as I start to think I’m beginning to understand it… I don’t anymore. Maybe writing it down and trying to explain it to other people will help me make sense of it.

In Genesis 12, God tells Abraham to “go from your country, your people, and your father’s household to the land I will show you.”

Okay, cool. For me, that means Germany.

It’s so simple. Not easy. But it’s simple. I didn’t realize the depth of this until God really began to unpack it for me.

Israel’s promise after deliverance out of Egypt was for the land that God had promised to Abraham. The land was sanctified. It was holy.

In Exodus 3:5, God tells Abraham to take off his sandals because he is standing on holy ground. The ground by nature was not holy. But God made it holy because of His divine presence. Because it was set apart for The Lord’s service. Just as the Promised Land was for the Israelites.

I find it interesting that so many times God introduces Himself as the “God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.” He introduces Himself this way to people who never even knew them. But are descended from them.

If God thought it was important to keep bringing up Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, even after their deaths, then that must be important. Family line must be important. After all, Jesus came from this line.

Not gonna lie though. Reading all the genealogies is kinda boring. Especially when I can’t even pronounce most of the names. However, I have learned a few things through reading these genealogies. One is that family really is a big deal to God. My family is a big deal to God. Your family is a big deal to God.

I don’t know much about my own genealogy. Just that I’m a mutt from about eight different places. America’s melting pot at its finest. I always knew that I was part German on my dad’s side, so, after I learned that I would be moving to Germany, I started to do a little research. My dad also sent me some information that he had found about our family that once lived there before moving to the United States. I don’t know anything about them. What they were passionate about. Who they loved. Who loved them. Their work. Their hobbies. Their broken hearts. Their fears. Their desires. I just know their names.

I don’t know if they knew Jesus and had a relationship with Him. But I do know that I get to go back to where they once lived. And I get to build a life there. I have absolutely no idea what that life will look like. But I get to go to the land I come from.

But it doesn’t stop there. Because this is so much bigger than my move to Germany and it’s so much bigger than my own family.

As Christians, our “sanctified promised land” is found in the presence and purposes of Jesus. The old covenant is still important because Jesus came to fulfill it. But we get to live in the new covenant. Now, here’s where my mind is blown. And I pray that this never ceases to blow my mind for the rest of time.

“Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.” Romans 8:17

Because of Jesus, we too inherit all the riches of the kingdom of God. All promises. All righteousness. We are grafted into Israel. We are grafted into God Himself.

Because of Jesus.

We are grafted into God Himself.

We are co-heirs with Christ.

So, yes, family is a big deal to God. Because He adopted us into His own. 

134 days, part I

I’ve been wanting to read the whole Bible, from beginning to end, for a few years now. But to be honest it was kind of an intimidating commitment, so I just stuck to things like six-week studies instead. But over this past Christmas break I decided I was finally going to read from Genesis to Revelation. I looked into different reading plans, most of which were to be completed within a year. I thought about doing one of those, but that plan quickly died…

I started reading Genesis on January 7^th. And just finished it two days ago on May 24^th.  If it took me almost five months to read one book, just 50 chapters, then reading the whole Bible in a year seems a little too ambitious. I don’t know how long it will take me. Probably a few years. Certainly not just one.

Five months is a long time. Through wrapping up college with my last semester, pursuing Young Life International staff, deciding to move to Germany, starting the fundraising process for staff, continuing to invest in my relationships with friends and family, and reading through Genesis, I’ve learned a lot over these last five months. I’ll talk about just one take-away right now. More to come in later posts.

But first… Here’s the thing about the Old Testament… I find it very frustrating and confusing. Most of the time I just really don’t get it. But it is also incredibly rich and fascinating. Perhaps that’s why I’ve spent so much time in just one of its books.

I would read one little verse, get stuck, and remain there for a week, sometimes two. I knew I was on the verge of “getting” whatever it was God was trying to teach me. It was frustrating at times knowing that this particular verse stood out to me... But why? Sometimes I didn’t get the answer for a few weeks. Or I’m still waiting for the answer.

Other times I would read three chapters in one day and feel like I got nothing out of it. Equally frustrating.

And still other times I would get just plain mad. I read just the first verse of Genesis 12 when I was still a little apprehensive about Young Life International staff and where I would end up.

The LORD had said to Abram, “Go from your country, your people, and your father’s household to the land I will show you.”

Not funny, God. Not funny. But more on that in my next post.

Okay, so here’s my first take-away from the last five months: Everyone in Genesis has to wait forever for everything. At least that’s what it seems like anyway. And learning how to wait is important. Not just idly waiting. But actively waiting. Patiently waiting. Much of life will be spent waiting. For a job, a raise, a promotion, a baby, a spouse, Spring Break, the weekend, happy hour, and whatever else. There’s always going to be something that’s next that we’re holding out for. And learning to wait well is important because it’s in those waiting periods that God does a lot of good work in us.

But waiting is hard for me. More and more I find myself loving change, so I’m always looking forward to the next thing. The next adventure. The next stage of life. And right now the next thing is Germany and all that that entails. But Germany is seven months away. Of course seven months is nothing compared to the 25 years that Abraham and Sarah had to wait for the baby that God had promised them. But seven months feels like freaking forever to me. But I’m learning that God does a lot of good things during the waiting periods, and He wants me to walk in that. To think ahead to the future with wisdom and shrewdness, yes. But to live in the present and stop wishing time away.

Because the reality is that Germany is not my present. Fundraising is.

I know that fundraising is an extremely important and biblical step in going on staff with Young Life International. I’ve spent the last few weeks grounded in scripture and preparing for it with my fundraising coach because it’s a big, intimidating number I have to raise before I can move. I’m getting more and more excited about fundraising as God changes my perspective on it. But if I’m not disciplined in my thoughts every day, it’s easy to look at it as an impossible goal or something that is standing in my way and holding me back from the ultimate goal: Actually moving. But that’s incorrect thinking. Fundraising over these next seven months is part of the ultimate goal. Not something holding me back. And it’s important that I walk in that with confidence. It’s important that I live in that and experience all that God has for me during this “waiting” period.

It took me 134 days to read Genesis. Through studying scripture and dealing with daily relationships and circumstances, God has taught me a lot in the past 134 days. Even when I don’t understand what I’m reading or what He’s doing or what I’m doing… I can trust Him because He is good, He is sovereign, and He loves me. I have to constantly remind myself of those three truths. He has changed and transformed my heart in more ways than one over the last 134 days. And while I will try to take them one day at a time and live in the present, I look forward to all that He has for me over the next 134 days.

my dog died 365 days ago

My oldest sister begged and begged our parents for a dog when my siblings and I were little. They finally caved when I was seven. And, y’all, I was the happiest seven-year-old in the world when we brought Ivy home. She was the most timid, shy, sweet, little beagle. And I fell madly in love with her.

Ivy was a family dog, sure. But she was my dog. And I was her human.

One of my parents’ rules about Ivy was that she had to sleep downstairs in her kennel at night. But Ivy didn’t like that. She howled and she whined and she cried herself to sleep in that stupid kennel. After one night of this, I decided I didn’t like this stupid rule either. After my parents went to bed, I would sneak downstairs, take Ivy out of her kennel, and bring her upstairs to sleep with me. I would then wake up early to take her back downstairs before my parents woke up. It didn’t take long before we kicked the kennel to the curb and my parents accepted that Ivy was gonna sleep with me every night.

Fast forward eight years.

When I was 15 and Ivy was 8, my parents replaced the carpet in our house. We were moving to Fayetteville in a year and they were trying to get the house ready to sell. Another stupid rule I didn’t like: Ivy was not allowed on the new carpet. My parents bought baby gates and a dog bed, and Ivy was to be confined to the kitchen where there was tile.

Okay… Ivy’s been sleeping in my bed for eight years. This wasn’t gonna go over well.

Fine. You’re gonna make my dog sleep on the cold tile. You’re gonna make your daughter sleep on the cold tile too then. And I moved my bedroom into the kitchen. Partly because I was mad at my parents and wanted to spite them. But mostly because I loved Ivy. (My parents and I have great relationships now. No worries.)

Fast forward a couple more years to Ivy happily allowed to roam the whole house, not just the kitchen, in Fayetteville.

She liked to sit on top of the couch and look out the window. She knew which cars belonged to her humans and which belonged to strangers, and when one of her humans cars pulled into the driveway, she would get so excited. She would jump off the couch and tap dance to the door to greet her humans. Her nails would click, click, click on the wooden floor, her tail would wag, and she would whimper for days as she licked and jumped.

This was only a problem when I was sneaking back into the house at 4am after a night out with a boy.

 Most people who entered our home didn’t understand Ivy. They didn’t understand her timid, shy “lack of personality.” But Ivy had a big personality and only those whom she loved got see it. Ivy loved her people. And she loved them well.

She loved me well even when I didn’t want her to. Like when I was trying to be quiet at 4am. She loved me when I was happy. When I was sad. When my heart was broken. She just loved to love. And be loved.

Fast forward a few more years to the end of my junior year of college.

Ivy died around 2:00pm on May 10^th, 2013, just 10 days before her 14^th birthday. The vet gave us our options and my parents said it was up to me. But all of the options sucked because they all left me without my dog. It was just a matter of when I would be left without her. How long would I selfishly, desperately hope the treatment would work, knowing that it wouldn’t, prolonging her pain and discomfort?

The one-year anniversary of Ivy’s death was this past Saturday. This past Saturday was also the day that I graduated from college. As happy as I was walking across that stage in heels that were slowly killing my feet, I couldn’t help but think that a year ago at this time I was telling the vet without a second thought to “just put her down.” It was the right decision. But I hated making it.

I don’t like when other people talk about Ivy. Even when it’s good things. Only when I bring her up is it okay to talk about her. I know that’s not fair or okay. But that’s how I’ve felt this past year, and especially these past three days as I’ve happily celebrated my graduation, while also mourning her death.

Josh Billings said, “A dog is the only thing on Earth that loves you more than he loves himself.”

“Dogs give unconditional love so you will be teensy bit prepared for God’s love when you die and meet Him. Otherwise, God’s love would knock you flat.”

Those are the wise words from Trixie Koontz, dog, author of Bliss to You by Dean Koontz.

I’ve spent the past three days thinking a lot about God’s love. Ivy was the sweetest gift God could have given seven-year-old me to show me, even just a tiny, tiny, tiny bit, how much He loves me.

I’ve never been in love. Not really. And I don’t have a child. So I know I haven’t experienced the capacity of how much a human can love. But I do know that I loved Ivy. And if I loved a dog that much… It’s overwhelming to think of how much more I can love. And it’s even more overwhelming to think of how much God loves me. I don’t even know how to fathom that kind of love. A fierce, unconditional, sacrificial, overwhelming, passionate love that can’t even compare to the love I had for my dog. Those adjectives don’t even do it justice. I can’t imagine that kind of love. And yet it exists. And God loves me with that kind of love because He is that kind of love.

Mind blown. 

to germany we go

I’ve always wanted to be a blogger. But I never knew what I would write about. And I still don’t really. But God places events and people in our lives with divine purpose. Somehow those events and people you’re around every day, or even strangers for just one day, make epic stories. And they’re stories worth telling. So here it goes.

My freshman year of college seemed like an endless possibility of opportunities. Especially summer opportunities. I knew I would never get summers like this again, and I wanted to use them wisely. I was determined never to take a summer class or stay in Fayetteville. I mentally made a tentative plan of what I intended to do all three summers, and summer after my junior year I wanted to do Summer Staff at Lost Canyon, Session 2. I love spontaneity and impulsiveness, so I don’t know why I was being so specific about plans that were two years away. Especially when I wasn’t even walking with The Lord. I was angry with Him for allowing certain things to happen, but I knew that one day I would start pursuing Him again. And I guess I figured that that would be junior year.

And I was right. I did not start pursuing a genuine relationship with The Lord until I was 20 years old. Junior year was hard. But it was good. I learned to deal with things and mistakes of my past. I learned what it meant to depend on The Lord and pursue Him even when I didn’t feel like it. And I grew so much. By the end of that year, I felt absolute peace about going forward with the plans I had made two years earlier. So I got on a plane and headed to the middle of nowhere Arizona where Lost Canyon was located. Maybe it’s because it was a plan two years in the making and I had super high expectations that weren’t met… I don’t know. But it sucked. Those three weeks sucked. And I was so disappointed.

I remember sitting on the floor of the summer staff lounge waiting for our last meeting to begin. I was reflecting over the last three weeks and wondering where I had gone wrong.

Finally, our meeting began, and our summer staff coordinators introduced the topic of the meeting: Full-time Young Life staff. That’s all I needed to hear. I immediately began to shut down and check out because full-time ministry was not for me. I saw my parents doing it and it was hard and it was not for me as far as I was concerned. So I let my mind wander to anything and everything else as long as it meant I didn’t have to listen to whatever was going on in that meeting.

It only took a few minutes for The Lord to get my attention. I had a poor attitude. I freaking knew that. So I presented it as best as I could, and I silently prayed a quick prayer.

“Okay, Lord… I don’t wanna do this. But if this is something You want for me, then spark some kind of interest during this meeting.”

I wouldn’t say an “interest” was sparked that night. But I have never heard The Lord speak clearer to me. He made it very obvious what I was doing after I graduated. And that was going on staff with Young Life International.

I slept for literally only an hour that night. I just lied in my bed praying while the rest of the girls in the room slept.

“Young Life International? Really? Because I just turned 21 less than a week ago, and that’s really young. And I know you’ve called plenty of young people before. But I’m not them. And a few hours ago it was a hell no I’m not going into full-time ministry after I graduate and now you want me to move to another country by myself to do it? What country? I have always been passionate about people in the States, this so-called “Christian culture.” I want them to know You. To really know You. Not just claim to be Christians. Because I was one. And now you’re calling me away from it? I don’t understand… I want to trust You with this. I really do. But I don’t know how. So I’m presenting this to You the best way I know how right now. Give me the faith to believe you and trust you. Give me a heart and a desire for international missions. Because right now I don’t have it.”

By the next morning I was completely convinced that God hadn’t reallyyyy said anything about Young Life International and that I had made it all up in my head. I was gonna go back to Arkansas for my senior year, not knowing what life after graduation held. And that was okay. Because I had a whole year to figure it out. And it probably wouldn’t even be full-time ministry.

I started my senior year back in Fayetteville and it was great. I had zero complaints. But then everyone and their mom started asking what my plans were after graduation and I realized how annoying this question was. So I started praying about it because I really had no idea what I was doing come May. And Young Life International kept. Coming. Up. It was like those annoying gnats that don’t ever leave your face alone during the summer. I could not get Young Life International out of my head. And I tried. I tried so hard not to think about it. With no luck. It was exhausting.

Being on part-time Young Life staff was exhausting. Leading my team was exhausting. Leading my small group was exhausting. I felt like the only thing I was doing semi-okay at was baking brownies for them every week. And that doesn’t make a good leader. I didn’t understand why this was so exhausting. I was spending intentional time with The Lord every damn day. But my times with Him were so empty and unfulfilling, and I didn’t understand why. Because I really thought I was doing the right thing by not pursuing Young Life International. I was so deceived. So quick and willing to believe the lies.

After a couple months of this, my roommate, my mom, and several of my friends all pulled me aside, all on separate occasions, and asked what was going on. They all said the same thing: That I hadn’t been myself since school started. That I was in some kind of funk. That maybe God had told me to do something and I was being disobedient.

It’s the rebellious side of me that hates the thought of having to “obey.” But if there’s one thing I’ve learned this year… It’s obedience.

I knew what they meant by being disobedient even if they didn’t know… It was Young Life International. In October, I started taking active steps to pursue it. Not because I wanted to. But because I needed to be obedient to the Lord’s leading. As much as I hated that.

And, y’all… I get teary-eyed as I type this. It was a hard process. Walking around in circles in my apartment on hour-long phone interviews, hitting my knees hard at night in prayer, fighting the desire to back out… It was hard. But over the course of about four months, I experienced God change my heart like He never has before. I wanted this. I was passionate about this. And it wasn’t until I stepped out in faith and obeyed Him that He gave me the desire for this. And what a strong desire it was.

I remember exactly where I was when I found out that this was actually happening. It was February 21, 2014. Just three short months ago. I was walking between the Union and the Law building on my way to class when I got a call from an out-of-country number. And all of a sudden it was real… I was moving to Germany on Young Life International staff. I’m sure students walking by me thought I was psycho because I started crying as soon as I got off the phone. I have never experienced a joy like that before. And then I was 20 minutes late to class and failed a quiz because my mind was definitely on the other side of the world… I was moving to Germany. WHAT?

It’s been one heck of a year. It’s been a hard year. But it’s been a good year. I have grown so much, and I’m so grateful for it. It’s hard to believe that I graduate from college in just four days…As I start fundraising this summer and into the fall, my hope and prayer is that I experience The Lord in ways that I never have before. As I’m fundraising over these next nine months, which is a ministry in and of itself, I’ll prepare myself to move to the other side of the world to build relationships with German college students. Just over the past few weeks I’ve started praying for them. Praying for people I haven’t even met yet. People that will end up meaning the world to me. And I don’t even know their names. Or speak their language yet. It’s been the coolest thing to anticipate the relationships that God has yet to bring into my life. I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. But I’m ridiculously excited for whatever God has up His sleeve.