being all adult-like

I don’t know how many times I’ve made the trip to Little Rock before. Probably a hundred. But this last one over the past two weeks was different. A friend of mine, who is actually more like a sister, asked me to house sit and take care of her pets and business while she and her husband were out of town for a week. The second week there I used to fundraise for Young Life International. So, no, this trip wasn’t the fun, spontaneous, foolish, irresponsible trip I would have taken a couple years ago. This was my first post-grad, adult, professional business trip.

And post-grad, adult, professional business trips aren’t as fun as my spontaneous, foolish, irresponsible trips. I realized living my sister's life for a week is hard work, especially when I'm sick. And I also realized that setting up fundraising appointments and asking for support is harder and more intimidating than I initially gave it credit for.

I was really discouraged one night and started to feel like I was in way over my head. What 21-year-old girl raises $340,000 ($5,000 in monthly support for five years plus $40,000 in start-up costs) and moves to another continent by herself? A crazy 21-year-old girl, that’s who. But like all thoughts and emotions at 1:00am, I knew I couldn’t trust or entertain this lie. With as much self-discipline as I could muster, I tried to control my thoughts, present them to The Lord, take some Nyquil, and just go to bed.

By the end of my two weeks, I was not only exhausted, but I felt like a little five-year-old girl playing dress up, trying to be a grown-up.

Real adult world: 1

Amy: 0

I wish I could say everything is fine and dandy now, that the trip ended up going amazingly well, and I raised half my budget. But that’s not the case.

Now that I’m back home in Fayetteville, I’ve been able to gain some perspective though. I kept my sister’s home and business afloat and I did meet with some donors, most of whom were excited to support me. The ones I didn’t get a chance to meet with, I’ve already made arrangements to meet with next time I’m in town. So the trip really wasn’t all terrible. In fact, it was a success, especially considering it was my first time doing everything I had just done.

These two weeks also served as some good reminders. First, this is supposed to be intentionally hard. God is using these next seven months of fundraising to purge me of my fears and insecurities, as my fundraising coach reminded me this morning. 

Second, I’ve always struggled with accepting my need to desperately dependent on Him. But that’s what this is. An opportunity to do just that. To depend on Him and trust Him. To recognize that I can't do it alone. 

Third, I have a God who fiercely loves me and is constantly fighting for me. I also have an Enemy who fiercely hates me and is constantly fighting to destroy me.

Fourth, God has called me to Young Life International staff in Germany. He has brought me this far and He’s not gonna leave me hangin’ now.

And lastly, this is an opportunity to pray big things and watch what God does.

Here is some scripture that really struck a nerve the last couple weeks. 

The Israelites went up out of Egypt ready for battle.—Exodus 13:18

The LORD will fight for you; you need only be still.—Exodus 14:14

Then the LORD said to Moses, “Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on.”—Exodus 14:15

He was amazed at their lack of faith.—Mark 6:6

God expected His people to move forward with boldness. He expected them to trust Him. And He expected them to expect that it was going to be hard. He had made it very clear by this point that He was for them even when it didn't look like it. That He was fighting for them. That He would deliver them not only out of something bad, but into something good. And through all of this, He would be glorified. 

And yet they still doubted.

I wonder if God sometimes says to me, “Why are you crying out to me? Get a move on.”

It’s not that He isn’t patient or loving or understanding. It’s not that He doesn’t want me to share my worries and fears and insecurities with Him. It’s not that He doesn’t care that I’m crying out to Him. But I wonder if sometimes He’s amazed at my lack of faith. I wonder if sometimes He just says, “Why are you crying out to Me? Haven’t I already proved that I am for you? That I am fighting for you? That I am working on your behalf? Get a move on. Do what I’ve called you to do and do it with confidence and boldness, even when it looks like the world is against you. Because I am for you. And I will be with you.”

It’s not easy. But it is simple.